A Great Group!

These are some of my student leaders...the Student Ambassadors of Spartanburg Methodist College. A great group of young people who have done a tremendous job this year representing the school. I am so proud of them and so thankful that I had the opportunity to work with them. They are some of the smartest, hardest working people I know! Our world is going to be okay with people like this taking the lead!

God is Faithful

I am so glad I journal. Last night, I was looking back through a journal entry from nearly 9 months ago. I expressed some fears about a situation in my life, and I wrote, "God is big enough to handle the fall-out of this situation if things go bad." And now, on the other side of that situation, I can see how God truly was faithful in that circumstance. He did handle the fall-out, much more beautifully than I could have ever imagined. GOD IS FAITHFUL!

I have been memorizing Psalm 145 for my class, and this weekend came to the last 7 verses, one if which states, "The eyes of all look to you. You give them their food in due season." The first time I read it I praised God for provision. He promises to provide for us at the time when we need it. But the second time I read it, I saw something even more precious. It doesn't say "I'll give them food in due season." It says, "I will give them their food in due season." It's not just talking general provision at the appointed time...it's personalized provision at the appointed time! Sometimes that food tastes sweet and satisfying and is just what we've been craving...for example, Jason's Deli ice cream! Sometimes, though, the food God provides for us is what we need the most, not necessarily what we want. Just like mothers spend countless hours trying to get their children to eat vegetables because their good for them, God sometimes gives us our food in due season, food that we desperately need.

I will say it again...my God is faithful!

My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever! Psalm 145:21

The B-I-B-L-E

The B-I-B-L-E

Yes, that's the book for me!

I stand alone on the Word of God

The B-I-B-L-E

He Makes All Things Beautiful

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

I sang the song growing up. “In His Time, In His Time, He makes all things beautiful in His time.” I’ve even quoted this to others who were experiencing troubling times. I’ve used it as my own mantra from time to time in the midst of storms or situations I don’t understand. But I don’t think I live my life as if I believe it. My true interpretation of this verse, at least in my own attitude, is probably a little more like this. “He is in control and works everything out in His time. It may not be how I’ve imagined it or how I want it, but God will work it out.”

What a mockery to my God who promises to make all things beautiful. It’s not just working it out. It’s working it out in such a way that God will receive the highest glory, that human hearts and lives will be changed, that perfection for that situation is received in terms of God’s plans for eternity! Think about things that are beautiful: a new baby, a mountain top view, the sunset, the sunrise, flowers, a painting, and so many more. I think sometimes how I am captivated by beauty. That’s what God is doing in His time. He is creating beauty! He is creating beauty to captivate my heart so that it turns to Him. He is creating beauty that will bring Him glory!

I am in awe today as I think of the beauty God made of the cross. Only because of Jesus’ sacrifice can we look at something that ordinarily represents death and sadness and call it a glorious cross! God made it beautiful in His time. He is doing the same with my circumstances. He is not just working them out…he’s making a masterpiece of beauty to amaze and captivate my heart!

I learned this song as a child and it's lyrics are really special to me today. I'm really trying to learn what is beautiful to God.


Beautiful, Beautiful,
Jesus is beautiful
And Jesus makes beautiful things of my life
Carefully touching me, causing my eyes to see
Jesus makes beautiful things of my life.

Jesus: Troubling Man or Blessed Savior?

I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful Passion Play this week. Our choir at church has been presenting a musical drama, "Set Free," for the past two nights. We've got one more night to go, and I am not tired of it yet! I usually am tired of it. A full week of rehearsals and performances is tiresome, but its not so tiring when you have the opportunity to experience the presence of the Holy Spirit each night.

This year the Passion Play means so much more to me because it seems to mirror a situation in my real life. There is a line that sticks out to me every time I hear it. The main character, a Roman soldier named Marcus, asks his second in command, "Why is it that everytime I'm around this Jesus He's so troubling to me?"

This reminds me of the verse in 2 Corinthians 2:15-16. "For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life." In the beginning of the story, the character of Marcus sees Jesus as a stench, a smell, trouble. But as the story progresses, he begins to see Jesus for who He really is, the Son of God, and experiences the sweet fragrance of God's love, grace, and forgiveness.

For those who follow Christ, we must always remember that we are the aroma of Christ among those around us. People in this world look at Jesus and see him as troubling. They experience conviction and don't want to be bothered. They want heaven but they don't want to give their lives over to the lordship of Christ. In their eyes, Christ followers are either a smell or a fragrance, but to God we are always an aroma! That passage of scripture goes on to say, "And who is equal to such a task? Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God." How true! This is a tall order, but an order that can be filled if we live, speak, and love with sincerity. When people see this real and sincere love, then we can help them move from seeing a troubling man to seeing a blessed Savior.

On this Good Friday, I am overwhelmed that my Jesus chose me! He chose me, and I wholeheartedly choose Him! May I live my life in such a way that I am an aroma to God and a sweet fragrance of life to those around me.

Rejoice!

I have a great reason to rejoice tonight. My God showed up in a mighty way today. It started this morning as I was getting dressed. I did as I do often, talked and communed with God as I prepared for the day. During my prayer time, I began to think of a potentially painful revelation in my life. I'm pretty sure I said aloud, "God, when that happens, you're going to have to just pour out your grace on me because there is no way I'll be able to handle that on my own." I then began to mock myself, convinced that I was borrowing trouble. I repeated the prayer anyway, just for good measure. Little did I know that just three hours later, that painful revelation would come. I don't believe this was a coincidence. I believe this was the Holy Spirit's way of preparing my heart for the news. I immediately sensed the sweetness of the Spirit's moving in my heart. It didn't take away the pain. It didn't even numb it, but remembering my prayer, I was able to see on the other side of it. I didn't do this alone. I am thankful for Kimberly who so lovingly softened the blow of my first reaction. I am thankful for Kerie who refused to allow me to slip into the unhealthy attitude of self-pity and self-deprecation. I am thankful for Julie who prayed the sweetest prayer over me (over the phone) that allowed me to release my tears and experience the grace that God so willingly lavished upon me. I am thankful for Angie Smith, a woman whom I've never met but who's blog I read faithfully. She posted a song on the blog today that lovingly reminded me that when shattered things (dreams, hopes, lives) are laid before the throne of the Almighty, they will not be left unredeemed.

But most of all, I rejoice that I have a Savior who loves me enough to orchestrate all of these moments at just the perfect time. I found myself surprised at His love today. But then I realized, if He loves me enough to send his sinless Son to die on a cross for my sin, and I have no trouble accepting that, then why do I have so much trouble believing that His love for me also reaches to my everyday hurts and pains? If God loved me enough to allow Jesus to pay the debt of death of my behalf, surely he loves me enough to know my hurts and my pains and to prepare me to deal with them. How amazing is the grace that He offers each and every day, to make it through the struggles of life. So today, my prayer is Paul's command in Philippians 4:4. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"

To the outside world, today wouldn't leave me much for which to rejoice. But because I serve and worship a loving God, I can rejoice! I must rejoice! Rejoice! Again, I will say, Rejoice!!!

Praying with Consistency

"Prayer, more than any other spiritual discipline, reveals what‘s really in your heart and how much pride that you operate in. Prayer, more than any other spiritual discipline, reveals what you believe about you, what you believe about God, and just how much pride you have in the tank of your soul. "
--Matt Chandler

"I stink at prayer because I’m so dag gum good at pride." --Pete Wilson

Honor Your Father and Your Mother

In Ephesians, Paul echoes one of the Ten Commandments when he tells us to honor our father and mother. I don't want the evening to end until I do just that.

I returned this evening from a 3 day trip to my parent's house. It sounds so strange to say it that way because I usually call this home. While it's not my current home, it will always be home to me. I don't know if I will ever get to a place where I will not call it "going home." So, let's just say, "I went home" this week! Usually, I only have a chance to get there two or three times a year due to the distance and my overly busy schedule. I carry around more guilt about this than I care to admit, but I never seem to find a way to do anything about it. The purpose of this trip home was to visit my dad, who just had knee surgery, and help my mom take care of my dad.

I could feel on the drive down that this visit was going to be different. I'm not exactly sure why, but I could sense it. I could sense that there was significance with this visit. The entire way down, I was reminded of things from my childhood. Things I loved. I was so very excited that the azaleas were still blooming. And the wisteria! And remembering moments from the past. My anticipation grew with every mile. I didn't realize, until I got on the road, how much I needed this trip home. I needed to be reminded that there are at least two people on this earth who will love me unconditionally, no matter what, and that those same two people count on me. I feel like I've come to a point in my life that I can actually go home and do things for my parents, instead of having them do for me. Oh, I still let my mom do things for me while I was there, but for the first time, I felt like they needed the adult me. And this excites me. And it makes me appreciate them even more!

My dad finally decided to have his knee replaced. After years of walking, or hobbling, in much pain, he finally took the plunge. I know he was in a lot of pain, but he and I spent Wednesday afternoon just talking, and it's a conversation I will remember for the rest of my life. Mom was gone to the store so it was just dad and I. He asked me about work. He asked me about seminary. He listened to me share my vision, my thoughts, my dreams, my fears. I think it is one of the first truly adult conversations I've had with my dad. I know that sounds weird, and it's certainly not my dad's fault. I just don't think I ever go to my dad as an equal. I go to him as a little girl. But not this time. Like I said, this conversation was different. My dad encouraged me in a way that was so special. He told me to use my passions, to use my skills and abilities, to use my love for others in a big way. He reminded me to always be looking for the door that God is opening and not to sell myself short. He also told me to not be afraid to move in a different direction. Then, the conversation turned a little more personal. Leave it to my dad to put me in my place in a way that shocked me, made me think long and hard, and admit my own shortcomings, all in one moment. He showed me that I had been doing the same thing I had accused someone else of doing. At first, I couldn't believe he said it. I think I must have had that look on my face that said, "Oh no, he didn't," because he immediately followed it up with a "I don't mean to be critical" comment. But he was so right. I had been doing exactly what I had accused someone else of doing. I think I knew this, but my dad put into words what I could not. And it was done in such a loving, caring, yet straightforward manner. Thanks Dad, for setting me in my place! Thanks, God, for using my dad in this way and for giving me an earthly father who is encouraging, challenging, and supportive.

This trip home, my mom actually let me do stuff for her. I think she's exhausted from being strong through my dad's surgery, from feeling like she can't relax and rest because my dad might need her, from making sure everything with the house is taken care of, from helping my dad with his therapy and just everyday needs until he can get around on his own again. I know how my dad is when he doesn't feel good, so that is not an easy task! But my mom does it all with grace and without complaint. She truly is superwoman! And while she let me do some things for her, she also did for me. She made me apple fritters for breakfast this morning! She made sure that we had my favorite foods and felt bad that she forgot to make my favorite jello. She gave me her pillow. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but there are only two pillows in the world that are perfect. I have one at my house, and she has an identical one at her house. I think we would both run back into the house if it were on fire, just to rescue these pillows! She knows how much I like the pillow and gave it up for me to sleep on while I was there...so that I would feel more at home! She listened to me. And she did all of this in the midst of her crazy life. My mom volunteers for an afterschool program their church sponsors. Since my dad is on the mend, she hasn't been able to help out. However, they decided to cancel the program today due to the threat of severe weather. My mom spent the entire morning making phone calls to the other volunteers, to the parents, to the schools, trying to make sure everyone was informed. She went above and beyond the call of duty. And they wonder where I got this from...
My mother is amazing, and I don't tell her that enough! Thank you God, for creating this woman who is so caring and loving and giving and placing me under her lifelong care. I wish I could be more like her.

And this doesn't include all of the normal things my parents do. Like fill my car up with gas before I leave, hide money in my purse, beg me to stay another day, take pictures everytime I leave to go home (although I believe the rain is the reason for the reprieve from this task this afternoon - thank you rain!). Because the weather was bad, they insisted that I call every hour. I think before I would have been annoyed by this request, but not this time. I know it's out of love that they are so concerned. I know that they miss me. I miss them. More than I realize, and more than I admit. I think I busy myself so I don't have to think about it too often. Oh we talk fairly regularly on the phone, but it's not the same as going home. I am so thankful for the home they've created for me to go.

I realize that not everyone is as blessed as I am to have such wonderful parents. But if you are, or even if you're not, take a moment, right now, to let your parent(s) know how much you love and appreciate them for whatever reason it may be. It might be something small. It might be something big. But tell them you love them! Thank them for being there, and be there for them!

I Thought I Had Climbed This Mountain

I swear I've been here before
Standing on the other side
I recognize these feelings
I recognize this pain
I recognize the hives
I recognize the sadness
I recognize the fear, the uncertainty, the desire to just be okay

But I thought I had climbed this mountain
I thought I'd made it through
I thought I'd found a way to let go, to press on, to look heavenward
I thought I'd found a way to forgive

I thought I had climbed this mountain
I thought I had struggled up the cliffs
I thought I had discovered the strongholds in the rock
Or maybe they discovered me

Maybe I never climbed this mountain
Maybe I've just been hanging on for dear life on the side of the cliff
Convincing myself that this place is just as good as the other side
Resting in a place that, for a bit, was comfortable

Or maybe I have climbed this mountain
Or just one that looks a lot like this one
Maybe this is what it takes to learn what forgiveness truly is
To learn what it means to let go of the past
To learn what it means to press on
Press on...not walk on or fly on or breeze on...

But press on
Facing challenges with courage and humility
Trusting that God's hand is guiding my every step
That God's hand will redirect my steps when I stray
That God's hand will set me in my place when I choose to rest on my laurels
That my strength won't fail
That my love won't fail
That my hope won't fail

And with God's help, I will climb this mountain
As many times as it takes

By Faith...Not Sight

I think the times when we don't understand what God is doing or where he is leading us bring us so much closer to Him than any other times. Even more than grief! God's really been teaching me what it truly means to walk by faith and not by sight lately. I thought I understood it, but I didn't really. And it's not like I'm going through some horrible experience. It's just every day life stuff. I tend to want to depend on my feelings, my senses, I want signs, I want clues but lately God has just been showing me that seeking those things aren't bad but it's not going to get us the best that he has for us. Because those are things that yes, God can use, but also, the devil can use those same things to lead us astray. God's word is the only thing we can fully rely on as truth. Pour yourself into the Bible. Memorize scripture. Meditate on certain passages for days! Keep going back to it. Keep seeking Him for Him and for His glory!

Troubling...

Today in class, we were talking about prayer. My professor was sharing from his own experience and explained that he has these moments where he realizes that 4-5 hours of his life went by and he didn't pray. He said this troubles him. He asked if we ever had a similar experience. I thought about it, and of course the answer is unfortunately yes. And does it trouble me? Yes, but I don't think it troubles me enough.

You see in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 we are commanded to pray without ceasing. In the English translation, the word order is changed. In the original text of the Greek, the verse says "Without ceasing, pray." The emphasis is on without ceasing. If we are really to live our lives like this and to follow this command and principle, then it should truly trouble us when we realize a block of time has passed in which we did not talk to God.

But it should be troubling, not to get us down, but to encourage us to change! To encourage us to seek nothing without talking to God. To encourage us to constantly be in communication with God so that we can see how he is moving us and chaning us to be conformed to His decreed will for our lives.

Without ceasing...pray!

I'm A Mess

I'm a mess right now. I'll admit it. I'm tired. It's been a really long week at work. I worked about 53.5 hours this week, late every single night. And it didn't end well. And I'm mad. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at someone else. I'm mad that I can't let myself just be okay! A few posts ago I mentioned that I felt this was a time of crushing in my life, where God is crushing me for some reason. I don't know why I expected it to only take a week or so. It hasn't even really been that long, but it feels like forever. And this crushing is supposed to bring God glory, and I don't feel like that's happening either. And I keep using the same tired, old excuse: I'm busy.

The crazy thing is, that excuse is one of the reasons I'm mad at someone right now. But the truth is, I've been feeding the same excuse to God. Thankfully, I have a wonderful friend who will just listen to me vent and question and cry and talk, and today he let me do that so long that I admitted this sad truth to myself. Oh, I've felt God tugging at my heart for the past few weeks about this. I even admitted it to a friend and asked that she pray for this area of my life, that I might surrender. But it was not really clear to me how much of a mess I've let this make in my life until today when I admitted out loud that I keep giving God the "I'm busy" excuse.

I'm so afraid to just stop and be still. So, what did I do today? I went shopping. I needed a few things from Target, but I must admit I wandered around the store several times aimlessly. Then, I went to Sams. Free dinner, right?!? I was doing nothing more than trying to "busy" myself so I could avoid my thoughts, my pain, my anger, my exhaustion, and so that I could avoid what God has been trying to crush me to do. It's kind of like I tell myself that if I just keep busy, the crushing won't hurt so bad, it won't be so hard. I'll dodge the blows! But I know it doesn't work like that.

I do want God to crush me if that's what it's going to take to clean up this mess called my life. I can't fix it, no matter how hard I try. I can't avoid things in the name of busyness just so I don't have to face my fears. Yet, I keep running. Why? Why? Why?

Instead of running I should find rest in the one who offers perfect refuge. I have to be still and know that He is God. I have to be still before Him. I have to enter his throne of grace with boldness.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Psalm 62:5-7

On the way home, I heard the song "Freedom" by Run Kid Run. It is so accurate as to how I feel right now. I've posted the lyrics below.


All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise the other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
And I'm ready for change

Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay - RIGHT WHERE I AM NOW!
I scream Father please
I need rescuing
I need you and you alone

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for (change)

Still you patiently wait
Yet i won't just let go
I see you and you alone
Saying come follow me
despair has come so you can seeRelease

And so I'm singing for freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom

The time has come
separation has lost the war to love
Take my hand grace has found you where you once began
Your alive
You're alive in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love

God Remove My Heart of Stone

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. Ezekiel 36:26

Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love; break up your fallow ground, for it is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you. Hosea 10:12

Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts…Psalm 95:7; Hebrews 3:7-8ff

Lately, the hardening of the heart has been a central theme in my life. I guess it’s because I have a close friend who has done just that. In the ESV study Bible, the note on Psalm 95:7 describes harden in this way. “The biblical writers use heart for the central core of the person’s thoughts, feelings, and choices. To harden the heart is to make it dull and unresponsive to God, and thus to strengthen it in disbelief.” As I’ve prayed for this friend, I’ve found myself clinging to the promise in Ezekiel 36:26. I believe wholeheartedly that God can remove the heart of stone, but I also think I’ve been a bit flawed in my thinking, perhaps because I am so personally involved in the situation. I keep envisioning this removal of the heart of stone as an immediate action, and while I fully believe that God can do that in an instant if He so chooses, I also must be prepared for this removal of the hardening to be a slower, more natural process.

When I think of something being hardened, I think of dirty dishes, you know, the empty lasagna pan that you left sitting on the stove overnight. The food hardens to the pan, and there are usually two different things that have to be done to get the pan clean. The first is soaking. Soaking the pan in water can soften the hardened food, making it wipe completely clean. When our hearts are hardened, we have to be willing to be soaked—soaked in Scripture, soaked in fellowship with people who will encourage us to walk in God’s ways, soaked in the glory of God. Once we’re soaked, the hardened parts sometimes wipe clean easily. It’s a process, though. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes a willingness to allow God to cover and drown those parts of us that aren’t pleasing to Him. Sometimes, though, even after a soaking, there must be some scrubbing.

Scrubbing or chipping away is the other way to get rid of the hardenedness. I will gladly admit that the Amway Scrub Bud is my friend! It never fails me when trying to remove stuck on food from my dishes. It does, however, take lots of effort on my part, and if I were the food, I can imagine it would be quite painful. Sometimes our hardened hearts must be scrubbed. The hardened pieces must be chipped away, one layer at a time. As Hosea prophesied to Israel, we must allow God to break up our fallow ground, to plow through our heart. It’s in those places where the heart is chipped, broken, and plowed, that God’s glory will soak in. God’s glory and God’s presence will fill those places until our heart is not longer hard like stone.

God’s promises can be trusted. God will remove hearts of stone. It might be instantaneous, but more than likely it will be a process, a process that requires scrubbing and soaking, a process that is painful, a process that will change us.

God break up my fallow ground! For any area of my own heart that is hardened, I want to be soaked! I want your glory and your presence to fill up those broken places. I want to experience and showers of righteousness. I want to reap steadfast love, a stronger love for you and a stronger love for those around me.

"Give it all" from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

One of my new favorite songs I think! I guess it was worth putting up with Daniel's antics in those two weddings I directed where he was the best man...if he can write stuff like this!

Daddy, You're Going to Have to Drive Me Home!

It was a dark and stormy night. No, really, it was! This past Wednesday was very dark and stormy. It started just as choir rehearsal ended. As my fellow choir members and I walked out of the choir room, down the hallway, and neared the door, it started raining harder. The thunder got louder. The wind picked up tremendously. The lightening started. We were all stopped in our tracks.

As we individually paused to determine our next move, I noticed 16 year old Logan standing next to me. Her eyes were growing wider with each second. For a moment, I was transported back to my own experience as a 16 year old girl, realizing the fear of having to drive home in the middle of a storm. She was frozen. I could tell she didn't want to be there. I could tell she just wished she was already at home. Her dad happened to be standing there as well. She turned to him, and in a frantic voice stated, "Daddy, you're going to have to drive us home!" I empathized with her at that moment. I knew exactly how she felt, but I didn't realize the importance of her statement until about 10 minutes later in the middle of my own drive home in the pouring rain!

It was like i had a "Kramer" moment. As I thought about her statement, the Holy Spirit hit me over the head with some truth. Okay, I don't know if that's really an appropriate descriptor for how the Holy Spirit works, so maybe I should say He opened my eyes.

Logan's response is the one God wants us to have when we face rainy days and seemingly insurmountable obstacles. "Daddy, Abba, you're going to have to drive me home!" And it was truly a statement. It wasn't a question. It wasn't a request. It was a statement of trust and a cry for help to one she knew would not fail her. Too often, I trust my own abilities more than I trust God. Many times, this leads me to more rain, bigger storms, and darker skies. Instead of letting "Jesus take the wheel," I convince myself that I can do it. I try everything I can to fix it on my own. I try to use logic. I try to use common sense or past experience. I try to use my own intelligence. But those things will always fail me. God, on the other hand, never will! If we come to Him, seeking Him, our Savior will NEVER forsake us. He will always drive us home. He will always bring us safely through the storm, even if He chooses not to calm the storm around us.

The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done. Psalm 9:9-11

I really think this is what God is trying to teach me right now. I'm learning each day what true obedience really is. I'm learning what it means to trust God for the next step. Not in a survival type of situation, but in they way that I am trying to live my life according to God's standard. My basic needs have been provided. Okay...most of my wants have been provided, too. This is not about human survival, but it is about spiritual endurance. I want more than anything to learn about obedience, to live obediently, to trust God completely.

I am so thankful I have a refuge, a stronghold, a Lord that will not forsake. May He alone receive the glory. May my cry, my earnest plea in times of trouble always be, "Daddy, you have to drive me home!"

A Fight Against Bitterness

I'm really struggling right now against bitterness. I don't want to have this struggle. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to admit that I'm struggling. I follow Vicki Courtney's blog, Virtue Alert, and she recently made a post about being gloomy. It wasn't some kind of Biblical teaching or spiritual revelation. It was simply her being transparent and honest about her struggles. I found a lot of freedom in that. There are so many times that I feel like I can't show my weaknesses. I feel like a fraud when I do. I feel like a failure. I don't really want people to see that side of me. But maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe people do need to see that I struggle...that I'm in no way near perfect...that I sin...that I don't always have the answers.

I am so afraid to let people see that I am not perfect, even though I really have no problem admitting that to myself or to God. Why is this? Why am I so afraid?

So, back to the whole bitterness thing. I don't know why this is so hard for me. I thought I had put it behind me. I thought I had let it go, but I can feel these moments of bitterness keep popping up in the middle of my day. A thought here and there. A complaint about my situation to a third party. A whole thought process so that I can justify my hurt.

I DON'T WANT TO BE BITTER!!!!

So, I went to God's word. In the New Testament, talk of bitterness usually proceeds or follows talk of forgiveness or humility.

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. James 3:13-15

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:14-15

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:30-32

I am grieving the Holy Spirit. I will sheepishly admit that I boasted of my bitterness today. If I am not careful, if I do not let go of this, I will allow that bitter root to grow up and will fail to be holy.

Charles Stanley writes, "We have two choices: We can allow bitterness to destroy us, or we can allow God to develop us into the people He wants us to be. We must choose to view our circumstances as tools God uses to further develop our spiritual lives. "

I choose today to let go of my bitterness. I surrender it to the Lord. I don't want it to destroy me, to destroy my relationships, to be a stumbling block to others. I want God to use this circumstance to mold me into the person He wants me to be. I don't understand it. I sometimes feel like I have a right to be bitter, but if I am truly going to use God's word as the standard for my life, I must do as I am commanded and "get rid" of it! I must be kind and compassionate. I must forgive. I must do this because this is what God did for me and what He is doing for me even now.

Most Beautiful Master, please take this bitterness from my heart. Take my every thought captive. Help me to always remember your truth and your commands. Help me to remember that I can forgive only because I have been forgiven. Even though I feel wronged, I was wrong, too. Even ithough I feel hurt, I hurt someone else, too. Even though I feel justified in my bitterness from time to time, I must instead remember that Christ justified me to God through his forgiveness and grace! I don't deserve anything of the sort, but while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. Give me a desire to be rid of it! Give me a desire to love you! Give me a desire to not grieve your Spirit but to walk in the Spirit. Amen.

Jars of Clay

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10.

I struggle from time to time understanding this Scripture. The whole treasures in jars of clay imagery is often a mystery to me. It seems that I only understand it in light of a personal struggle. And I’m in the midst of that right now. I believe this is a time of crushing in my life. This is an instance that God is choosing to crush me, not for myself, but so that His glory may shine. That is what I want more than anything when it all comes down to it. I want to glorify my Heavenly Father. The scripture says we are not crushed, just afflicted. But I pretty much feel crushed. No other word for it right now! I am perplexed. How can my obedience to God be right when it causes someone else so much pain? I really am at peace with my decision, but it hurts to know that my obedience is hurting someone else. I am perplexed at this. I don’t understand this about my God, but I know that His ways and thoughts are higher than mine, so as Paul says, I am not driven to despair. I am persecuted. It hurts, but I know that God has not forsaken me. A good friend reminded me yesterday that there is no instance from Scripture where God has turned his back on a servant who chose to follow Him. I know that God will not forsake me. I’m trying to hold on to that hope. I feel struck down. I feel struck down mentally, physically, and emotionally, but spiritually, I know that I am not destroyed! I know that the jar of clay represents God being able to use us and mold us and even to seep through the parts where we are broken. I pray that God will use my brokenness to remind me of His glory, His love, and His comfort. I pray that through my brokenness, His glory may be revealed to this one that is hurting. I don’t know how that is going to happen, but I know that God is God and acts in everything to display His glory. I am trusting in this now. God use my brokenness, my perplexity, my persecution, my struck downness (I know that’s not really a word, but hey!) for your glory!

In the Middle of the Middle of Your Day

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

This spring in Children's Choir, we are trying to teach them songs that come straight from Scripture as a way to help them understand the importance of memorizing scripture and helping them memorize about 15 passages along the way. Mark 12:30 is one of those passages. The song is "Love the Lord" by Lincoln Brewster. As we teach a song and a scripture verse, we spend a great deal of time talking about what that verse means. This verse always reminds me of Camp Crestridge, the summer camp I attended as a child and teenager. The heart of the camp is Council of Progress. During this solemn ceremony each week, a staff member presents the girls with a challenge from one of the four areas of the Council of Progress: spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical. I am always reminded of this verse when I think back to all of the challenges I received growing up through Council of Progress. Each area is addressed in this verse that tells us how we are to love our Lord God! Physically, with all your strength. Mentally, with all your mind. Spiritually, with all your soul. Emotionally, with all your heart! This is a high calling and probably the reason why Jesus calls in the greatest commandment. If we can love God with all of our beings, in every way, in every step, we can truly have fellowship with Him and out of that love comes the second commandment, love your neighbor as yourself. We will never be able to love our neighbors as God designed until we understand what it means to love God is this way.

I was trying to determine the best way to help the children in my choir to remember the Scripture reference. I asked them what the middle hour of the day is. Of course their answer, 12 o'clock. Then I asked what is the middle of the middle hour. Some of them got that one, 12:30. I said, "You can remember this reference if you think about the middle of the middle." But it wasn't until a couple of days that the Holy Spirit hit me over the head with this as it applied to my own life.

How many times do we say, "I'm in the middle of something. I can't do that right now." I say that quite a bit. To my students, to my family, to my friends, to my coworkers. And to God. I use that as an excuse with my Heavenly Father so often. "I can't right now God. I'm in the middle of something. I'll come back to that later." And I realized that sometimes I show my love for God with the same attitude. The Holy Spirit spoke to me this week, showing me that God wants me to love Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength, at all times. Even in the middle of the middle of my day!

I feel like I'm right back as a child in that chapel at Camp Crestridge receiving a challenge during the Council of Progress. This time, the challenge comes from my Lord. My prayer is that God will transform me so that I can love him as I should at all times, even in the middle of the middle of my day.

Did Anything Exciting Happen?

About an hour ago Mike asked me the question, "So, did anything exciting happen at church tonight?" My answer...No. What in the world kind of an answer is that? I just spent three hours somewhere freely and openly worshiping and praising my Lord and Savior, but when someone asks if anything exciting happened I say no???? What a slap in the face to my God! What a slap in the face to the millions of Christians around the world who cannot worship God openly and freely. What a horrible example I gave to someone who is seeking. It may have just been a normal night at church, but some pretty exciting things happened. So...in an attempt to seek forgiveness from my Heavenly Father for my hurtful and completely incorrect statement, AND, to give God the glory that He is due...here is a list of exciting things that happened tonight at church:

• I had the privilege of teaching children about the greatest commandment...Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. (Looks like I still need some teaching on that myself!
• I got to share with children what it means that the Spirit is water for my soul. (Lord, how I thirst for you!)
• Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. Psalm 84:10-11
• What an awesome time of worship we had tonight: Standing on the Solid Rock, Higher Ground, Made to Worship, The Potter's Hand, Fairest Lord Jesus, Have Thine Own Way Lord
• I sensed a renewed call from God to remain persistent, be patient, and trust Him in the waiting, even though I really don't understand.
• Sermon tonight...Don't worry. We've elevated worry to a virtue. Jesus commands us NOT to worry!
• Ways to prevent worry: 1) Give God your firsts...Seek Him first in all things. & 2) Give God your future.
• I got to laugh when the offertory, while beautiful, sounded like music from Super Mario Brothers!
• The joy of the Lord: Robert's water, Forgetting to move out of his way...oh the laughter with my friend Jeff!
• Praise God for the ability to sing praises to His name...even when I'm coughing like I am!
• Praise God for friends and a church family.
• Praise God for opportunities to serve Him and teach others about Him.

And that's just from last night! That doesn't include all that God taught me and showed me through Sunday School and morning worship. How could I have been so wrong? How can I just sit back and say nothing exciting happened. I worshiped! I learned! I listened to the Holy Spirit! I saw Jesus at work!

God, give me a new Spirit. Forgive me for taking you and your Word and your Church for granted. Restore my soul. Remind me of your faithfulness, a loving kindness that is new every morning. May my one aim always be to show your glory to those all around me. May I be excited about what you are doing in my life and in the world around me. Help me to see you at work. Give me the courage to join you at work.

Beautiful Savior. Lord of all the nations. Son of God and Son of Man. Glory and honor...praise adoration...now and forever more be thine! --Joseph Seiss