I Thought I Had Climbed This Mountain

I swear I've been here before
Standing on the other side
I recognize these feelings
I recognize this pain
I recognize the hives
I recognize the sadness
I recognize the fear, the uncertainty, the desire to just be okay

But I thought I had climbed this mountain
I thought I'd made it through
I thought I'd found a way to let go, to press on, to look heavenward
I thought I'd found a way to forgive

I thought I had climbed this mountain
I thought I had struggled up the cliffs
I thought I had discovered the strongholds in the rock
Or maybe they discovered me

Maybe I never climbed this mountain
Maybe I've just been hanging on for dear life on the side of the cliff
Convincing myself that this place is just as good as the other side
Resting in a place that, for a bit, was comfortable

Or maybe I have climbed this mountain
Or just one that looks a lot like this one
Maybe this is what it takes to learn what forgiveness truly is
To learn what it means to let go of the past
To learn what it means to press on
Press on...not walk on or fly on or breeze on...

But press on
Facing challenges with courage and humility
Trusting that God's hand is guiding my every step
That God's hand will redirect my steps when I stray
That God's hand will set me in my place when I choose to rest on my laurels
That my strength won't fail
That my love won't fail
That my hope won't fail

And with God's help, I will climb this mountain
As many times as it takes

By Faith...Not Sight

I think the times when we don't understand what God is doing or where he is leading us bring us so much closer to Him than any other times. Even more than grief! God's really been teaching me what it truly means to walk by faith and not by sight lately. I thought I understood it, but I didn't really. And it's not like I'm going through some horrible experience. It's just every day life stuff. I tend to want to depend on my feelings, my senses, I want signs, I want clues but lately God has just been showing me that seeking those things aren't bad but it's not going to get us the best that he has for us. Because those are things that yes, God can use, but also, the devil can use those same things to lead us astray. God's word is the only thing we can fully rely on as truth. Pour yourself into the Bible. Memorize scripture. Meditate on certain passages for days! Keep going back to it. Keep seeking Him for Him and for His glory!

Troubling...

Today in class, we were talking about prayer. My professor was sharing from his own experience and explained that he has these moments where he realizes that 4-5 hours of his life went by and he didn't pray. He said this troubles him. He asked if we ever had a similar experience. I thought about it, and of course the answer is unfortunately yes. And does it trouble me? Yes, but I don't think it troubles me enough.

You see in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 we are commanded to pray without ceasing. In the English translation, the word order is changed. In the original text of the Greek, the verse says "Without ceasing, pray." The emphasis is on without ceasing. If we are really to live our lives like this and to follow this command and principle, then it should truly trouble us when we realize a block of time has passed in which we did not talk to God.

But it should be troubling, not to get us down, but to encourage us to change! To encourage us to seek nothing without talking to God. To encourage us to constantly be in communication with God so that we can see how he is moving us and chaning us to be conformed to His decreed will for our lives.

Without ceasing...pray!

I'm A Mess

I'm a mess right now. I'll admit it. I'm tired. It's been a really long week at work. I worked about 53.5 hours this week, late every single night. And it didn't end well. And I'm mad. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at someone else. I'm mad that I can't let myself just be okay! A few posts ago I mentioned that I felt this was a time of crushing in my life, where God is crushing me for some reason. I don't know why I expected it to only take a week or so. It hasn't even really been that long, but it feels like forever. And this crushing is supposed to bring God glory, and I don't feel like that's happening either. And I keep using the same tired, old excuse: I'm busy.

The crazy thing is, that excuse is one of the reasons I'm mad at someone right now. But the truth is, I've been feeding the same excuse to God. Thankfully, I have a wonderful friend who will just listen to me vent and question and cry and talk, and today he let me do that so long that I admitted this sad truth to myself. Oh, I've felt God tugging at my heart for the past few weeks about this. I even admitted it to a friend and asked that she pray for this area of my life, that I might surrender. But it was not really clear to me how much of a mess I've let this make in my life until today when I admitted out loud that I keep giving God the "I'm busy" excuse.

I'm so afraid to just stop and be still. So, what did I do today? I went shopping. I needed a few things from Target, but I must admit I wandered around the store several times aimlessly. Then, I went to Sams. Free dinner, right?!? I was doing nothing more than trying to "busy" myself so I could avoid my thoughts, my pain, my anger, my exhaustion, and so that I could avoid what God has been trying to crush me to do. It's kind of like I tell myself that if I just keep busy, the crushing won't hurt so bad, it won't be so hard. I'll dodge the blows! But I know it doesn't work like that.

I do want God to crush me if that's what it's going to take to clean up this mess called my life. I can't fix it, no matter how hard I try. I can't avoid things in the name of busyness just so I don't have to face my fears. Yet, I keep running. Why? Why? Why?

Instead of running I should find rest in the one who offers perfect refuge. I have to be still and know that He is God. I have to be still before Him. I have to enter his throne of grace with boldness.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Psalm 62:5-7

On the way home, I heard the song "Freedom" by Run Kid Run. It is so accurate as to how I feel right now. I've posted the lyrics below.


All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise the other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
And I'm ready for change

Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay - RIGHT WHERE I AM NOW!
I scream Father please
I need rescuing
I need you and you alone

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for (change)

Still you patiently wait
Yet i won't just let go
I see you and you alone
Saying come follow me
despair has come so you can seeRelease

And so I'm singing for freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom

The time has come
separation has lost the war to love
Take my hand grace has found you where you once began
Your alive
You're alive in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love

God Remove My Heart of Stone

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. Ezekiel 36:26

Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love; break up your fallow ground, for it is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you. Hosea 10:12

Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts…Psalm 95:7; Hebrews 3:7-8ff

Lately, the hardening of the heart has been a central theme in my life. I guess it’s because I have a close friend who has done just that. In the ESV study Bible, the note on Psalm 95:7 describes harden in this way. “The biblical writers use heart for the central core of the person’s thoughts, feelings, and choices. To harden the heart is to make it dull and unresponsive to God, and thus to strengthen it in disbelief.” As I’ve prayed for this friend, I’ve found myself clinging to the promise in Ezekiel 36:26. I believe wholeheartedly that God can remove the heart of stone, but I also think I’ve been a bit flawed in my thinking, perhaps because I am so personally involved in the situation. I keep envisioning this removal of the heart of stone as an immediate action, and while I fully believe that God can do that in an instant if He so chooses, I also must be prepared for this removal of the hardening to be a slower, more natural process.

When I think of something being hardened, I think of dirty dishes, you know, the empty lasagna pan that you left sitting on the stove overnight. The food hardens to the pan, and there are usually two different things that have to be done to get the pan clean. The first is soaking. Soaking the pan in water can soften the hardened food, making it wipe completely clean. When our hearts are hardened, we have to be willing to be soaked—soaked in Scripture, soaked in fellowship with people who will encourage us to walk in God’s ways, soaked in the glory of God. Once we’re soaked, the hardened parts sometimes wipe clean easily. It’s a process, though. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes a willingness to allow God to cover and drown those parts of us that aren’t pleasing to Him. Sometimes, though, even after a soaking, there must be some scrubbing.

Scrubbing or chipping away is the other way to get rid of the hardenedness. I will gladly admit that the Amway Scrub Bud is my friend! It never fails me when trying to remove stuck on food from my dishes. It does, however, take lots of effort on my part, and if I were the food, I can imagine it would be quite painful. Sometimes our hardened hearts must be scrubbed. The hardened pieces must be chipped away, one layer at a time. As Hosea prophesied to Israel, we must allow God to break up our fallow ground, to plow through our heart. It’s in those places where the heart is chipped, broken, and plowed, that God’s glory will soak in. God’s glory and God’s presence will fill those places until our heart is not longer hard like stone.

God’s promises can be trusted. God will remove hearts of stone. It might be instantaneous, but more than likely it will be a process, a process that requires scrubbing and soaking, a process that is painful, a process that will change us.

God break up my fallow ground! For any area of my own heart that is hardened, I want to be soaked! I want your glory and your presence to fill up those broken places. I want to experience and showers of righteousness. I want to reap steadfast love, a stronger love for you and a stronger love for those around me.

"Give it all" from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

One of my new favorite songs I think! I guess it was worth putting up with Daniel's antics in those two weddings I directed where he was the best man...if he can write stuff like this!

Daddy, You're Going to Have to Drive Me Home!

It was a dark and stormy night. No, really, it was! This past Wednesday was very dark and stormy. It started just as choir rehearsal ended. As my fellow choir members and I walked out of the choir room, down the hallway, and neared the door, it started raining harder. The thunder got louder. The wind picked up tremendously. The lightening started. We were all stopped in our tracks.

As we individually paused to determine our next move, I noticed 16 year old Logan standing next to me. Her eyes were growing wider with each second. For a moment, I was transported back to my own experience as a 16 year old girl, realizing the fear of having to drive home in the middle of a storm. She was frozen. I could tell she didn't want to be there. I could tell she just wished she was already at home. Her dad happened to be standing there as well. She turned to him, and in a frantic voice stated, "Daddy, you're going to have to drive us home!" I empathized with her at that moment. I knew exactly how she felt, but I didn't realize the importance of her statement until about 10 minutes later in the middle of my own drive home in the pouring rain!

It was like i had a "Kramer" moment. As I thought about her statement, the Holy Spirit hit me over the head with some truth. Okay, I don't know if that's really an appropriate descriptor for how the Holy Spirit works, so maybe I should say He opened my eyes.

Logan's response is the one God wants us to have when we face rainy days and seemingly insurmountable obstacles. "Daddy, Abba, you're going to have to drive me home!" And it was truly a statement. It wasn't a question. It wasn't a request. It was a statement of trust and a cry for help to one she knew would not fail her. Too often, I trust my own abilities more than I trust God. Many times, this leads me to more rain, bigger storms, and darker skies. Instead of letting "Jesus take the wheel," I convince myself that I can do it. I try everything I can to fix it on my own. I try to use logic. I try to use common sense or past experience. I try to use my own intelligence. But those things will always fail me. God, on the other hand, never will! If we come to Him, seeking Him, our Savior will NEVER forsake us. He will always drive us home. He will always bring us safely through the storm, even if He chooses not to calm the storm around us.

The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done. Psalm 9:9-11

I really think this is what God is trying to teach me right now. I'm learning each day what true obedience really is. I'm learning what it means to trust God for the next step. Not in a survival type of situation, but in they way that I am trying to live my life according to God's standard. My basic needs have been provided. Okay...most of my wants have been provided, too. This is not about human survival, but it is about spiritual endurance. I want more than anything to learn about obedience, to live obediently, to trust God completely.

I am so thankful I have a refuge, a stronghold, a Lord that will not forsake. May He alone receive the glory. May my cry, my earnest plea in times of trouble always be, "Daddy, you have to drive me home!"

A Fight Against Bitterness

I'm really struggling right now against bitterness. I don't want to have this struggle. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to admit that I'm struggling. I follow Vicki Courtney's blog, Virtue Alert, and she recently made a post about being gloomy. It wasn't some kind of Biblical teaching or spiritual revelation. It was simply her being transparent and honest about her struggles. I found a lot of freedom in that. There are so many times that I feel like I can't show my weaknesses. I feel like a fraud when I do. I feel like a failure. I don't really want people to see that side of me. But maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe people do need to see that I struggle...that I'm in no way near perfect...that I sin...that I don't always have the answers.

I am so afraid to let people see that I am not perfect, even though I really have no problem admitting that to myself or to God. Why is this? Why am I so afraid?

So, back to the whole bitterness thing. I don't know why this is so hard for me. I thought I had put it behind me. I thought I had let it go, but I can feel these moments of bitterness keep popping up in the middle of my day. A thought here and there. A complaint about my situation to a third party. A whole thought process so that I can justify my hurt.

I DON'T WANT TO BE BITTER!!!!

So, I went to God's word. In the New Testament, talk of bitterness usually proceeds or follows talk of forgiveness or humility.

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. James 3:13-15

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:14-15

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:30-32

I am grieving the Holy Spirit. I will sheepishly admit that I boasted of my bitterness today. If I am not careful, if I do not let go of this, I will allow that bitter root to grow up and will fail to be holy.

Charles Stanley writes, "We have two choices: We can allow bitterness to destroy us, or we can allow God to develop us into the people He wants us to be. We must choose to view our circumstances as tools God uses to further develop our spiritual lives. "

I choose today to let go of my bitterness. I surrender it to the Lord. I don't want it to destroy me, to destroy my relationships, to be a stumbling block to others. I want God to use this circumstance to mold me into the person He wants me to be. I don't understand it. I sometimes feel like I have a right to be bitter, but if I am truly going to use God's word as the standard for my life, I must do as I am commanded and "get rid" of it! I must be kind and compassionate. I must forgive. I must do this because this is what God did for me and what He is doing for me even now.

Most Beautiful Master, please take this bitterness from my heart. Take my every thought captive. Help me to always remember your truth and your commands. Help me to remember that I can forgive only because I have been forgiven. Even though I feel wronged, I was wrong, too. Even ithough I feel hurt, I hurt someone else, too. Even though I feel justified in my bitterness from time to time, I must instead remember that Christ justified me to God through his forgiveness and grace! I don't deserve anything of the sort, but while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. Give me a desire to be rid of it! Give me a desire to love you! Give me a desire to not grieve your Spirit but to walk in the Spirit. Amen.

Jars of Clay

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10.

I struggle from time to time understanding this Scripture. The whole treasures in jars of clay imagery is often a mystery to me. It seems that I only understand it in light of a personal struggle. And I’m in the midst of that right now. I believe this is a time of crushing in my life. This is an instance that God is choosing to crush me, not for myself, but so that His glory may shine. That is what I want more than anything when it all comes down to it. I want to glorify my Heavenly Father. The scripture says we are not crushed, just afflicted. But I pretty much feel crushed. No other word for it right now! I am perplexed. How can my obedience to God be right when it causes someone else so much pain? I really am at peace with my decision, but it hurts to know that my obedience is hurting someone else. I am perplexed at this. I don’t understand this about my God, but I know that His ways and thoughts are higher than mine, so as Paul says, I am not driven to despair. I am persecuted. It hurts, but I know that God has not forsaken me. A good friend reminded me yesterday that there is no instance from Scripture where God has turned his back on a servant who chose to follow Him. I know that God will not forsake me. I’m trying to hold on to that hope. I feel struck down. I feel struck down mentally, physically, and emotionally, but spiritually, I know that I am not destroyed! I know that the jar of clay represents God being able to use us and mold us and even to seep through the parts where we are broken. I pray that God will use my brokenness to remind me of His glory, His love, and His comfort. I pray that through my brokenness, His glory may be revealed to this one that is hurting. I don’t know how that is going to happen, but I know that God is God and acts in everything to display His glory. I am trusting in this now. God use my brokenness, my perplexity, my persecution, my struck downness (I know that’s not really a word, but hey!) for your glory!

In the Middle of the Middle of Your Day

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

This spring in Children's Choir, we are trying to teach them songs that come straight from Scripture as a way to help them understand the importance of memorizing scripture and helping them memorize about 15 passages along the way. Mark 12:30 is one of those passages. The song is "Love the Lord" by Lincoln Brewster. As we teach a song and a scripture verse, we spend a great deal of time talking about what that verse means. This verse always reminds me of Camp Crestridge, the summer camp I attended as a child and teenager. The heart of the camp is Council of Progress. During this solemn ceremony each week, a staff member presents the girls with a challenge from one of the four areas of the Council of Progress: spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical. I am always reminded of this verse when I think back to all of the challenges I received growing up through Council of Progress. Each area is addressed in this verse that tells us how we are to love our Lord God! Physically, with all your strength. Mentally, with all your mind. Spiritually, with all your soul. Emotionally, with all your heart! This is a high calling and probably the reason why Jesus calls in the greatest commandment. If we can love God with all of our beings, in every way, in every step, we can truly have fellowship with Him and out of that love comes the second commandment, love your neighbor as yourself. We will never be able to love our neighbors as God designed until we understand what it means to love God is this way.

I was trying to determine the best way to help the children in my choir to remember the Scripture reference. I asked them what the middle hour of the day is. Of course their answer, 12 o'clock. Then I asked what is the middle of the middle hour. Some of them got that one, 12:30. I said, "You can remember this reference if you think about the middle of the middle." But it wasn't until a couple of days that the Holy Spirit hit me over the head with this as it applied to my own life.

How many times do we say, "I'm in the middle of something. I can't do that right now." I say that quite a bit. To my students, to my family, to my friends, to my coworkers. And to God. I use that as an excuse with my Heavenly Father so often. "I can't right now God. I'm in the middle of something. I'll come back to that later." And I realized that sometimes I show my love for God with the same attitude. The Holy Spirit spoke to me this week, showing me that God wants me to love Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength, at all times. Even in the middle of the middle of my day!

I feel like I'm right back as a child in that chapel at Camp Crestridge receiving a challenge during the Council of Progress. This time, the challenge comes from my Lord. My prayer is that God will transform me so that I can love him as I should at all times, even in the middle of the middle of my day.

Did Anything Exciting Happen?

About an hour ago Mike asked me the question, "So, did anything exciting happen at church tonight?" My answer...No. What in the world kind of an answer is that? I just spent three hours somewhere freely and openly worshiping and praising my Lord and Savior, but when someone asks if anything exciting happened I say no???? What a slap in the face to my God! What a slap in the face to the millions of Christians around the world who cannot worship God openly and freely. What a horrible example I gave to someone who is seeking. It may have just been a normal night at church, but some pretty exciting things happened. So...in an attempt to seek forgiveness from my Heavenly Father for my hurtful and completely incorrect statement, AND, to give God the glory that He is due...here is a list of exciting things that happened tonight at church:

• I had the privilege of teaching children about the greatest commandment...Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. (Looks like I still need some teaching on that myself!
• I got to share with children what it means that the Spirit is water for my soul. (Lord, how I thirst for you!)
• Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. Psalm 84:10-11
• What an awesome time of worship we had tonight: Standing on the Solid Rock, Higher Ground, Made to Worship, The Potter's Hand, Fairest Lord Jesus, Have Thine Own Way Lord
• I sensed a renewed call from God to remain persistent, be patient, and trust Him in the waiting, even though I really don't understand.
• Sermon tonight...Don't worry. We've elevated worry to a virtue. Jesus commands us NOT to worry!
• Ways to prevent worry: 1) Give God your firsts...Seek Him first in all things. & 2) Give God your future.
• I got to laugh when the offertory, while beautiful, sounded like music from Super Mario Brothers!
• The joy of the Lord: Robert's water, Forgetting to move out of his way...oh the laughter with my friend Jeff!
• Praise God for the ability to sing praises to His name...even when I'm coughing like I am!
• Praise God for friends and a church family.
• Praise God for opportunities to serve Him and teach others about Him.

And that's just from last night! That doesn't include all that God taught me and showed me through Sunday School and morning worship. How could I have been so wrong? How can I just sit back and say nothing exciting happened. I worshiped! I learned! I listened to the Holy Spirit! I saw Jesus at work!

God, give me a new Spirit. Forgive me for taking you and your Word and your Church for granted. Restore my soul. Remind me of your faithfulness, a loving kindness that is new every morning. May my one aim always be to show your glory to those all around me. May I be excited about what you are doing in my life and in the world around me. Help me to see you at work. Give me the courage to join you at work.

Beautiful Savior. Lord of all the nations. Son of God and Son of Man. Glory and honor...praise adoration...now and forever more be thine! --Joseph Seiss

I Love Snow!

So, it snowed here last night. Not a lot, but just enough to be pretty and for the school to be closed for the day! Thought I'd post some pictures so you could see what it looked like outside my house this morning.

The back of the house...which is really more like the front of the house since they closed the road, but anyway!

As you can see, I live in right field of our baseball field! I guess it was too early for the students to be up and sliding down those hills in the distance. I'm sure it won't be long!

The view from the back door!

Looking up towards the campus. Have I mentioned I love snow????

The God of All Comfort - Even for Thumb Suckers!

I've always felt sorry for children of preachers. I can't imagine the humiliation and embarrassment that must come from hearing stories of your childhood told time after time. And it's rarely the good stories. Most of the time, it's the most embarrassing moments that you wish you could rewind and do over. Those are the ones that usually make it to the pulpit. While they might be great examples for the lesson at hand and the entire congregation finds great joy in your misfortune, silliness, or ignorance, these same stories often bring great shame to their subjects! Luckily, I've never been on the receiving end of such an illustration, at least not in my presence! I am thankful God called my dad to an area of ministry that DID NOT involve preaching!

Sunday morning, during the children's sermon at church, however, I felt the shame of our Associate Pastor's youngest child. It was sanctity of human life Sunday, and he was sharing with the children what a baby in its mother's womb looked like and could do at 11 weeks old. His five year old daughter, Caroline, was sitting right next to him, cuddled up under his arm. He went down a long list of things that an 11 week old fetus is able to do, a list that included sucking its thumb. He then asked the question that set the whole ball of embarrassment rolling.

"Do any of you still suck your thumb?"

It wasn't the question really, but his actions that took him off the path of safety and falling into the pit of Humiliation by Daddy! He looked over at Caroline, raised his eyebrows and smiled, and in one simple motion, let the entire church know that his five year old daughter (who incidentally turns six in about a month and is surely focused on being a BIG GIRL) still sucks her thumb. I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming because I could see the look on her face. I was sitting in the choir loft behind her, and I could still see the look on her face. I could see that look because my face has shared that look before!

***I could share countless stories about myself here, but I will limit this aside to just one! When I was about nine years old, I had to tag along with my parents who were chaperoning the Winter Youth Ski Retreat. No one was really happy about my presence there, especially my older sister who was in the 7th grade and embarking on one of her first trips as a member of the youth group! Tagging along meant I had to attend sessions with my mom and dad, too. Boring sessions meant for adults! In one of the sessions, there were probably 25-30 people in a room and the speaker was talking about the challenges in trying to get children and youth to sit still, be quiet, and pay attention. Coincidentally, as he was speaking these words, I, as my nine year old bored self, was leaning back in my "metal folding chair" and balancing it against the wall. Yes, that's right. Metal folding chairs and two hind legs usually don't mix. My chair folded up, falling to the floor with a loud bang and depositing me on the floor beside it. Needless to say, I was the perfect illustration for his point! So what's my point...I was totally embarrassed. The laughter in the room was so loud I needed ear plugs! Every eye in the place was on me. I'm sure my mom was embarrassed, too, but she wasn't the one laying on the floor. I wanted to disappear. I probably prayed at that moment that God would open up a hole in the floor so that I could escape the eyes and the laughter. I remember getting up, looking straight down at the floor (because after all if I couldn't see the eyes, I was invisible!), and walking over to my mom in search of comfort. I probably even sat on her lap for the remainder of the session, perfectly still and quiet (right Mom! wink wink)

So I understood how Caroline felt. However, her situation was different. She couldn't run to her daddy for comfort. Her daddy, her white knight, had effectively knocked her off the white horse they were riding and under the hooves to be trampled upon. (Okay, I didn't come up with that analogy. Julie, Caroline's mom, did and she said it much more effectively than me, but it's the best I can do!)

All Caroline could do was hide her face in her lap from the hundreds of eyes and hope that putting her head down would drown out some of the laughter. I looked back at Julie to see her reaction. She had a torn look on her face. She wanted to leave the choir loft and run to her little girl, picking her up and pulling her close with one hand, and slapping Jarrett with the other! But she couldn't. She just had to sit there and watch the entire thing play out. Humiliation. Embarrassment. Shame. Hurt. All over sucking one's thumb!

And then, the most precious thing happened. Little Joanna was sitting right next to Caroline. She saw Caroline's pain and leaned over, tapped her on the shoulder and whispered, "It's okay. I do too sometimes." And in that moment, some of Caroline's pain and humiliation was relieved. She wasn't alone. Someone else sucked their thumb, too! Most people missed it. Most of the congregation missed this precious exchange between friends. And in missing it, they missed a precious lesson from our Heavenly Father.

Lately, the Holy Spirit has been giving me flashes of words. I don't know how to adequately explain this. I will witness a situation, see something, or just hear something and it's almost as if a word plainly flashes across the air in front of my eyes, like it's the word of the day on Sesame Street or something. It's usually a single word, and it usually comes with a desire to stop whatever I am doing at the time and dive into God's word in search of what He has to say about that word.

The word I got in that instant was comfort. Joanna was a source of comfort for Caroline. She said exactly what needed to be said. She saw a need, and met it! (They are five years old people!!!!!! Five!) Comfort had been on my mind I suppose. And this instance led me back to a verse that I had just learned.

Psalm 119:50 says, "My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."

This verse was the focal verse for the latest Karen Kingsbury novel, This Side of Heaven. (Side note: If you have not read any of Karen Kingsbury's books, go, run, fly to the store right now and get one! She calls it Life Changing Fiction, and it truly is! She is such a woman of faith who's works of fiction have strengthened my personal spiritual walk so much!).

In the midst of our suffering, our shame, our embarrassment, our pain, we can find comfort. We can find comfort in the fact that the promise of God is true! The promise of God brings salvation. The promise of God breathes hope! The promise of God is essentially a life preserver in the midst of our struggle.

I quickly looked up comfort in my Bible's concordance and found these verses from 2 Corinthians.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:4

Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you. 2 Corinthians 13:11 (ESV)

We are commanded to comfort others! God is our comfort, and we are to share the comfort we have, the life preserving comfort, with those in need. Just like Joanna did for Caroline. God will use our willingness to be used and our obedience to comfort others. Just like Joanna did for Caroline.

Just after the children's sermon yesterday we sang the song Draw Me Close. Here are the lyrics to the last chorus of the song:

You're all I want
You're all I ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are here
Help me know You are near.

Those last two lines were different for me yesterday. You see, I had just witnessed God showing himself to be here and to be near to His children in time of need. God provided his comfort to a five year old through a five year old. If anyone ever questioned whether or not a human life in the womb was created by God for a reason, the exchange I witnessed between those two children is reason enough!

God has a purpose for us all each and every day. It doesn't matter if we are five or 50, if we are embarrassed because someone just outed us for sucking our thumb or because we walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to our shoe, God is our comfort. God commands us to comfort one another.

The God of all comfort is HERE and He is NEAR!

No, Kim, There is no Santa Claus

***Please note, the intention of this post is not to condemn any parents who use Santa as part of their Christmas celebration. I have no problem with that. I'm just telling my story!***

I never remember a time when I believed in Santa Claus. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. Oh, I knew about Santa Claus. I heard stories about Santa Claus. I even remember going to JC Penney to sit on his lap and tell him what I wanted for Christmas (there were never pictures with Santa because my mom was too cheap to spend $5 on the photo like that!). I remember singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" with my mom in the car and having a discussion about whether or not I'd been a good girl. But I never believed in Santa as if he were a real being who actually brought presents. Maybe it's because we never received presents from Santa. All of ours were from Mom and Dad. All of our presents were wrapped. The only exceptions were the giant, life-sized teddy bears my sister and I received from our grandparents one year, and that was only because they couldn't find a big enough box! To me, Santa Claus was like Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and all of the other fairy tale characters I knew. He was part of a story, a made-up story that people told at Christmas time and nothing more.

I don't think my parents consciously made a decision to not let us believe in Santa Claus. We just didn't, and it was never a big deal. As I've talked with friends over the past month or so about their decisions as to when to tell their children the truth about Santa, I've pondered why I never believed. I began to wonder if I somehow missed out on the magic of Christmas as a child. And that made me ponder my family's Christmas traditions. Christmas has always been one of my favorite parts of the year...my favorite holiday. Obviously, I didn't miss out on too much!

Then, on Friday night, my Sunday School class had their Christmas party at my house. Sitting on my coffee table is an Advent Wreath. Several years earlier, I had introduced our Sunday School department to the celebration of advent. I think they must have all lived under a rock because very few of them had ever heard of such, much less had any knowledge of an advent wreath. I became the subject of a lot of teasing, but I didn't care. I was determined to share with them this tradition that meant so much to me. Friday night, the teasing continued. It was then that I realized why celebrating Advent with the Advent Wreath is so important to me. And it all goes back to me not believing in Santa Claus.

Let me describe for you the scene in my house as a child during the Christmas season. The weekend after Thanksgiving, my family went to cut down a Christmas tree. When we arrived home, the Christmas decorations were immediately unpacked. And one of the first things we happened upon in the boxes of the Christmas decorations was the Advent Wreath. This, more than putting up the tree, really is the symbol of the start of the Christmas season for me! You see, my family always had nightly devotions together. This usually consisted of reading from one of our devotional books, talking about the scripture emphasis, sharing prayer requests, and ending with a loooooong prayer from my dad. But Advent devotions were different. There was something that was exciting, and it was more than just lighting candles! That was certainly part of it. My sister and I took turns each evening lighting the candles. We took our jobs very seriously and always loved the fourth week of Advent when there were four candles to light each evening! What fun! But like I said, it was more than just candles. This evening ritual brought us one step closer to Christmas each night. This evening ritual kept Christmas and the celebration of the day in it's proper light. Sure the gifts, decorations, music, lights, and everything else that comes along with Christmas is fun, but the real reason for the celebration is the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

You see, this is why I didn't believe in Santa. I didn't need to. Santa was just a story! Jesus is real! Jesus birth is real! Jesus life is real! The everlasting life we are offered because of Jesus' sacrifice is real! I didn't have to be warned to be "a good little girl" because Santa was watching. Our advent devotions gave me scriptural evidence of how God wants us to live our lives, totally submitted to Him. Sure, I asked for things for Christmas, but I don't ever remember being mad because "Santa" didn't bring me what I wanted. I usually received far more than what I asked for! Also, I had a different gift to focus on. The free gift that is available to all of us through Christ!

Advent means "the coming." The celebration of Advent was adopted by the Christian church centuries ago to help us spiritually prepare for the celebration of the coming of Christ to the earth as a baby, to reflect on Christ's promise that He will come again, and to focus on His present coming through His presence in our lives and through His grace. Santa Claus just seems to pale in light of Christ. "And the things of earth grew strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." Even today, I look forward to the celebration of Advent. When I moved out on my own, that first Christmas, my mom passed down our old advent wreath to me. The verses from various advent devotionals are some of my favorite: Psalm 108, Isaiah 7:9, Isaiah 9:6, Philippians 2:5-8, John 1:14, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, and on and on and on! I treasure this time every year. It helps me prepare my heart and focus my mind on the real reason for the season.

I didn't miss out on anything because I never believed in Santa. I had a greater gift, a greater reason to celebrate, a greater reason to sing, a greater song to sing! Christmas magic has nothing to do with Santa Claus. In fact, it's not magic at all. It's the supernatural moving of the Holy Spirit in our lives, guiding us, shaping us, and molding us into the people God wants us to be!

Advent Wreaths, Cat's Tails, and Sin

One of my favorite Christmas traditions is the Advent Wreath. Since childhood I have loved lighting the candles, spending a special time preparing my heart and mind for the celebration of the birth of Jesus, and growing in my faith as an individual and as a family. This year, though, the advent wreath, along with my cat Sassafrass, provided me with an unexpected lesson.
It was late yesterday evening, and I was sitting on the couch reading the day’s advent devotion. The advent wreath, with four candles lit, was sitting on the coffee table in front of me. Sassafrass decided to jump upon the table and walk upon the ledge from one end to the other. From my perspective, I could see what was about to happen. I also had the advantage of knowing how fire feels! Sassafrass, however, does not share this knowledge, at least she didn’t! I was plagued with a dilemma. I knew if I reacted too quickly she would be startled and disaster could ensue. I really didn’t want to try to explain to my insurance company that my house burned down because of the advent wreath! I also had a desire to protect her. I didn’t want her to get burned! I didn’t want her to feel the pain of the burn. I couldn’t move the wreath; I couldn’t touch her. I was stuck watching the entire episode occur. Sure enough, as she walked along the ledge of the coffee table, she came increasingly close to the fire. I gave a verbal warning, as if she could understand (yes I talk to my cat like she’s human), but to no avail. As she passed by the last candle, seemingly safe from danger, her tail started to dance back and forth, eventually passing right through the flame of the pink candle. The air flow that resulted from her dancing tail quickly extinguished the flame. I could smell it immediately. And so could she. The putrid smell of burning hair!
She immediately began to search for the source of the stench. It was evident that she was also feeling the effects of the burn from the candle. But she couldn’t quite figure it out. She inspected both of her sides. She looked at her tail, but decided that couldn’t be it. But you could tell she felt the burn. She started smelling everything around her. The floor, the table, ME! But she couldn’t find the source. Once, she even looked back at the flames of the candles as if to say, “I know you did something, but I just can’t figure out what!” This went on for several minutes. Finally, she decided to nurse the numb feeling in her tail. She sniffed, she licked, she did the things that cats do when they nurse their wounds. And then, she got up and continued on her way, far from the flame of the candles!

I immediately thought of how much her reaction to the situation is similar to our reaction to sin. At times, we walk right into it, getting burned beyond recognition. At times we play with fire/sin, knowing it’s not safe, but willing to accept the risk of the burn for the pleasure of the sin. At other times, just like Sassafrass last night, we walk so closely that we should get burned, pass by thinking we’re safe, and it gets us right when we least expect it. It gets us in our cat’s tail! We can smell it immediately. Most of the time, we can smell it before we feel it! We survey everything around us trying to find the source of the smell, when all along, we just don’t want to see the source. We don’t want to admit that we’ve been burned. We don’t want to admit that we are experiencing the consequences of the sin in our lives. Surely it must be something else. Surely it must be someone else. It’s not me. It can’t be! I didn’t think I was that close to the fire. I was safe! I was careful! That’s right. I was careful. Careful enough to get just as close to the fire as I possibly could without being burned. Careful enough not to heed the warnings of my heavenly father. Careful enough not to get too close to the. Careful enough to be burned by sin, just when I thought I was safe.
Why, oh why don’t I listen more closely to my heavenly Father? Why, oh why do I like to play with fire? Why, oh why do I refuse to recognize the sin in my life? Why is it so hard for me to admit to others that I struggle with sin?
Paul wrote in the book of Romans,

12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:12-14

I want to offer myself to God as an instrument of righteousness! I don’t want sin to be my master! I want to live in the grace and truth that is Jesus Christ this Christmas season. He came to us, as Emmanuel, God with us, full of grace and truth. One of the advent devotions I read this week brought to light the importance of Jesus being grace and truth! For one without the other wouldn’t work. One without the other would not open the doors for everlasting life. May God dwell in our hearts, not sin. May we offer ourselves fully and wholly to God.
Sassafrass is still nursing the burn on her tail, even as I type. I am thankful that in the midst of my sinfulness, I have a Savior who nurses my wounds for me. The wounds exist. The pain is real. There may be scars. But the healer is waiting with open arms. And the comfort He offers is like no other!

Help us, O God our Savior,
for the glory of your name;
deliver us and forgive our sins
for your name's sake.
Psalm 79:9

Carlton Dance

I'm sure that making this video has caused me to lose a jewel in my crown, but this is for Julie! Too funny!!! I guess I should put a disclaimer that I used someone else's you tube video and just added the music. Thanks to cybercobra for you hard work in putting all of these clips together. I hope he/she doesn't mind that I tweeked it a bit! I hope you enjoy this Julie!!!

Trash

This blog was actually written on February 19, 1997, when I was a junior in college. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and thought I would include it here.

This morning I was thinking about the gigantic trash compactor right outside of my dorm room. This one compactor serves over 300 people! Right now it is overflowing. there is a stream of trash flowing out of its mouth and down the sidewalk. It has not been emptied in a long time. What a shame, and what a sight for sore eyes when one walks out the back door!

Our lives are sometimes exactly like this trash compactor, only each person has their own garbage bin: our minds, our bodies, our souls. Many times we just let more and more "trash" enter in. And we have an instinct or mechanism that will compact the trash and leave room for more to be added. But pretty soon, just like the trash compactor outside of my dorm, there is no more room! Nothing else can be compacted. The "trash" begins to flow out. It can be seen in our actions and expression and can be heard in our attitudes and negative words. And many times, even though we know that is is full, we still try to put more trash in on tope of what is already flowing out. Pretty soon, the garbage that we carry is reaching to others, affecting them, too! It seems too much to handle, that there is nothing we cn do. And that's true. We cannot do anything to fix our problems, at least not alone.

Then, one day, the trusty garbage collector shows up with his gigantic truck. He has come to empty the trash compactor of all its contents, all its trash. And when he finishes the job, the trash compactor is like new again. We, too, have a garbage collector. His name is Jesus. If we just trust him, He will come and take all of our "trash" away. He'll make us new creatures. However, unlike the trash compactor, our purpose is not to fill ourselves up with trash again. Insteaad, we are to allow ourselves to be filled with the power and presence of God through the Holy Spirit, so that good, positive, and edifying words and thoughts will flow from us, rather than the garbage of the world. We must remember, though, that we are not perfect, and because of this fact we will sometimes be consumed by the "trash" again. But we can always trust Jesus, our garbage collector, to come at any time we are willing and empty the bad things and replace them with his goodness and mercy. Also, we must let this goodness and the love of Jesus flow deeper and wider than the trash ever did, so that others may know of the joy and the peace we have found!

Create in me a clean heart, O God. And renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

No matter where your opinions fall politically, today is a day of uncertainty for our nation. We sang the song below in church on Sunday morning, and the Holy Spirit brought these words to my mind this morning as I awoke, reminding me that no matter what the outcome of the uncertainty, my hope rests in one place and one place only, our Savior Jesus Christ. I choose to reflect on these words throughout the day.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His word
Just to rest upon his promise
Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord"
Jesus, Jesus how I trust him!
How I've proved him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus! O for grace to trust him more!

I'm so glad I learned to trust him
Precious Jesus, Savior, friend
And I know that he is with me
Will be with me to the end!
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust!
How I've proved him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus! O for grace to trust him more!

Written by Louisa M.R. Stead

And from God's word, Isaiah 43:10-14
Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me. I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior. I declared and saved and proclaimed, when there was no strange god among you; and you are my witnesses, declares the Lord, and I am God. Also henceforth I am he; there is none who can deliver from my hand; I work, and who can turn it back?

Strength for the Next Step

This is not really blog worthy, but it's a lesson I want to remember, so I'm blogging about it to capture the moment. I woke up this morning overwhelmed. I had been unable to sleep, and I knew I had a very long and busy day ahead of me. Just to give a glimpse, I was at work by 7 AM, worked all day, non-stop, left work at 5:00 to head to a Christmas in Action Board Meeting, left the board meeting to go shopping for an event at work two days from now, returned to work at 8 PM to meet the DJ and finish preparing for the Homecoming Dance, worked straight through the dance, cleaned up, cleaned my office, hung signs for tomorrow, and now it is 1 AM, and I am finally home! An 18 hour, non-stop day! No wonder I was overwhelmed!!!

I've really been trying to handle my stress better of late, and trying to view things as steps of a larger process is one way I'm doing that. Mike keeps telling me this all the time, but it's difficult when you are juggling multiple steps of multiple processes at the same time. I'm so glad God gave women the gift of multi-tasking! This morning, when the sense of overwhelming began to overtake me, I stopped and remembered to take it all in smaller steps. I first asked God to give me strength to make it through the day. I also remembered what we talked about last night in OT class, how God wanted to teach the Israelites that He would provide for their daily needs, that they could trust him to provide for their daily needs. That lesson was quite transferable to my situation. So, I changed my prayer from asking for strength for the end of the day to asking for strength for the next step.

And now, as I am home and preparing for bed, I choose to take a moment and reflect on the day. God answered my prayer. He truly gave me strength for the next step. And for that I am truly thankful. I serve an awesome God who knows and cares for my every need. Praise the Lord!

AIG: Who's To Blame?

Last night, I tuned into the news for the first time to find out what was really going on with the US Investment crisis. On Fox News, Sheppard Smith explained the reason for the fallout in one of the most consise ways I've seen thus far. I tried to find a screencap of that to post here, but it's 3:45 am, and I don't have the energy to really search right now. He showed a pyramid, that explained how the crisis begins, from the bottom with the housing lenders, all the way up to the top to the investors and AIG insuring the investors money.

The one thing that stuck out, though, was that everyone is looking for someone to blame. Some blame AIG. Some blame the Republicans. Some blame the Democrats. Some blame the government as a whole. Some blame the insurance regulators. I'm sure somewhere someone blames the stars not lining up correctly. The truth of the matter is, though, the blame lies with each one of us!

The blame lies with all of us that have perpetuated the myth of the new definition of the American Dream: that you can whatever you want, no matter the cost to you or anyone else. We apply this to material things, relationships, business, safety, security, peace, etc. It doesn't matter if you can't afford what you want or if it belongs to someone else. Just go get it. That's what America is all about. We have become a society of greed and selfishness. We have allowed our desire to "have it all" to cloud our judgment of what we can truly afford and more importantly, what we truly need.

I'm guilty of this myself. The computer I'm typing on right now, did I calculate the total cost, stop and seriously review my monthly expenses and spending habits, save money for a few months? No! I went to the store, found what I wanted, decided in a matter of minutes what I would give up monthly to be able to make the payments, and I went home with a new computer. All in the matter of a couple of hours! I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it right then! Did I necessarily need a computer? No...but it sure has come in handy and has made my life easier (until it crashed this past spring and I lost almost everything...then I realized how trivial everything was)! The advantage I had was I that I have parents who raised me with a great deal of fiscal responsibility. I understood that paying the minimum monthly payment on said computer would just end up costing me more, so instead of paying a monthly minimum, I payed a monthly maximum (all that I could afford) until the computer was paid off over a year before the original date! I'm doing the same with my car. However, I don't always do this, and I'm starting to realize that even the little things (such as eating out, trips to Wal-Mart, etc.) should be considered with such care.

It's when we spend what we don't have because of simple human greed that we find ourselves in financial trouble. I do not intend to address in this blog whether or not the government should have bailed AIG out. I will leave that for the professionals and the media. My point is simply this: we all hold some responsibility for this crisis. We should all stand up and take responsibility for this crisis by looking at our spending habits, making wise decisions when it comes to purchasing "the necessities," reevaluating our material needs. We need to teach our children to talk about these things with their potential spouse before they enter into a marriage relationship. We need to teach our children what it means to be fiscally responsible, by example and daily teachable moments. We need to remember what the American dream really meant all of those years ago: with hard work and dedication, you can accomplish great things.

Most importantly, though, we need to remember that all of our wealth, physical and spiritual, comes from one place: God! He has provided us with everything that we have and has promised to provide us with everything we need.

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Matthew 6:28-30

It is only when we realize that ALL of our resources come from God alone that we can truly be good stewards of those things. We need to be an example for those around to us to be satisfied with what we have been so richly given, to find contentment, not in material things, but in our God.

But godliness with contentment is great gain. 1 Timothy 6:6

So I accept the blame! I accept the responsibility that comes with accepting the blame. I want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to my Heavenly Father. I want to use the resources I've been given to make an eternal difference. Perhaps that is the most important question we should ask before spending money. What kind of eternal difference will this purchase make? I think its time that we Christians in America humble ourselves before God and earnestly pray, seeking healing for our land.