So Forgetful

It was a busy morning to start a busy day. In preparation for a leadership retreat I was leading, I spent the morning running errands, marking things off my many lists, creating new lists so that I didn't forget anything. But for all of my lists, I did forget something.


I was in Michael's buying beads for a reflective craft project to incorporate into the retreat. This was one of those projects where I had an idea in my head to do one thing, but that idea ended up being financially impossible. So, I spent about 45 minutes in Michael's walking up and down the same 3 aisles, trying to figure out what I was going to do. And today was the day the decision had to be made. I had procrastinated long enough. This was it.


Through the help of the Holy Spirit, an idea was formed, a good, meaningful creative idea. I started gathering the supplies, mentally calculating how much this burst of creativity was going to cost my budget, using the calculator on my cell phone to determine how much of each product I would need. I had so many thought processes going through my head that I'm surprised any of it came out right. In the midst of this, I'm answering emails as they come to my phone, having a conversation with a friend from church who was also shopping, and handling several phone calls from students and coworkers (because heaven forbid I leave campus for a bit without someone needing to track me down).


As I prepared to head for the checkout counter, I remembered that I would need small resealable bags to put all of the pieces for this project in for each student who would participate. I dreaded having to make another stop. I had just left Wal-Mart, and even though it was just across the street, I didn't want to return. Dollar General was my next idea as I thought it would be quicker. As I zoomed toward the front of the store, the jewelry aisle that I had been up and down so many times that morning caught my eye. They had small resealable jewelry bags, 100 for $1.49. They were just the perfect size, and this purchase would eliminate my need for that dreaded extra stop. I put a packet of bags into my shopping basket and proceeded to the front of the store.


Somewhere between that moment, paying for my items, loading them in my car, and leaving the shopping center, I forgot that I had bought the bags. I got back onto the main highway and suddenly "remembered" that I needed to go by Dollar General to buy the bags. I quickly maneuvered across three lanes of traffic, turned into a local restaurant parking lot, and exited on the other side onto the road adjacent to the Dollar General. I parked my car, walked into the store, had to seek assistance from an associate as to where the bags were, and as soon as I touched the box, it all came flooding back. I realized that my forgetfulness caused me to make an extra stop. I already had bags. And surprisingly, they were cheaper at Michael's. I had a quick laugh at myself, put the box back on the shelf, and exited the store. I guess the best way to describe how I was feeling is the word amissed (a cross between amused and pissed...thank you Art Hartzog for that creation).


I had wasted precious time, but I couldn't help but see the humor in the situation. I was so consumed by my need to get things done, to move forward, by my busyness, that I forgot something so minuscule yet so important.


Later that night, I was sitting in our campus worship service, Overflow, and it was as if God hit me over the head with the true lesson from this little exercise in forgetfulness. How often do I "forget" God's truth? How often do I trade it for a truth of my own making for convenience sake?


How often do I forget God's mercies? I complain about my life, my job, and everything else in the world, all the while forgetting how blessed I am and how much He loves me. I forget that his love is unconditional, and that love extends to everyone, not just the ones I find worthy!


How often do I forget that I've laid my sin at God's feet? Instead of letting it be there and letting Him take care of it, I find a way to sneak back to that altar (although I'm not really sneaking at all considering I serve an omniscient and omnipresent God) to pick it up and carry it around like a medal for all to see. I do the same thing with my worries, my heartache, and my fears.


Just like I forgot that I had already purchased the resealable bags and went out of my way, wasting time and energy, to get what I already had, I forget what God has done for me through Jesus. I so often temporarily "forget" what God has done for me through the gift of salvation. I live my life as if that doesn't matter at all.


I don't want to forget these things, even if just for a crazy moment! I must be more diligent in spending time in God's word. I must be more diligent in spending time in prayer. I must love the things that He loves and despise the things He despises. I must keep my focus on Him and not be held captive to sin. I must fix my eyes on Jesus, the one who wrote the story of my life and my salvation. He has not and never will forget me!


Hallelujah that I serve a God that never forgets and forgives me when I do!

The Easter Bunny Doesn't Bring Baby Sisters

My friend Kimberly welcomed a new daughter, Maggie, into the world this morning. This precious gift of God joins a wonderful family with two boys, ages seven and two. Kimberly called me yesterday evening to tell me that she started having contractions. She knew the birth could come at any time, so she asked if I would be willing to come over and stay with the boys if they had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night. I was more than willing to help, even in this small way. Ian (the seven year old) was asleep when I arrived around 2:30 am, but Will (age 2) was wide awake. He and I watched the movies Cars and Up until about 5 am, when he finally decided it was time to go to sleep.

Around 8 am, Ian woke up and sleepily sauntered into their living room. He was excited about the possibility of his baby sister arriving, although he wasn't really sure it was going to be today. He seemed convinced that it would take longer. As he patiently waited on his grandfather to take him to the hospital, he and I had a conversation about Easter.

Figuring that he might be a little nervous with everything going on, I tried to keep it light.

Me: Ian, do you think the Easter Bunny is going to bring you a baby sister this year?
Ian: No, the Easter Bunny doesn't bring baby sisters. He just brings candy and maybe, I'm hoping, a car!

Our conversation about the Easter bunny continued, including a really funny story about his Uncle Steven being so bad that the Easter bunny wasn't coming to visit him. Instead, his wife was going to have to buy him an Easter basket.

It wasn't until later this morning that I realized the truth of Ian's statement. I received word that Maggie had arrived and was healthy and beautiful, and I began to thank God for her precious life, especially arriving right here at Easter, a perfect reminder of the new life we are promised in Christ through the gift of His sacrificial love.

It dawned on me that this seven year old little boy had made a profound theological statement, proclaiming a truth that often gets lost in our time and culture. For Christians, Easter is the most important day of the year. Our entire belief system hinges on the fact that Jesus gave His life for us through his brutal death on the cross but died to a grave that could not hold Him. He arose to bring us new life in Christ. Without the resurrection, the rest doesn't make sense. Without the resurrection, there is no salvation.

In John 14:6, Jesus says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but by me." While the world may put the Easter bunny (and his eggs, and candy, and toys, and stories) on center stage at this time of year, the real star of the show is Jesus! The Resurrected, Holy, Wonderful, Magnificent, Sacrificial Jesus!

Ian was right. The Easter bunny doesn't bring baby sisters because the Easter bunny can't bring us new life. Only Jesus can!

You are stronger, you are stronger,
Sin is broken you have saved me.
It is written, Christ is risen,
Jesus you are Lord of all.

He is risen indeed! Amen!

Showered Wisdom

God's word to me today: no longer be captive to what the world offers but be captivated by what God offers...love, grace, forgiveness, joy, and peace

And he was amazed...

"And he was amazed at their lack of faith," Mark 6:6

This is one of the verses in the gospels that speaks of the humanity of Jesus. He had returned to Nazareth, his hometown. He was teaching and healing there as he had been everywhere. But the people there questioned him. This was the carpenter's son. They had watched him grow up! How could he be doing and saying these things? So Jesus left, but before he did the gospel writer tells us that he was amazed at their lack of faith. As the divine Son of God did he know how they would react? Yes. But in his humanity, he was amazed.

I sometimes wonder if God, even in his omniscience, is amazed at my lack of faith? I imagine that he is in that "I knew you weren't gonna believe me but really?" kind of way. I wish it were different. I wish I didn't question or doubt as much. I wish I had faith to really live like I believe that God keeps His promises.

I want a renewed faith. The faith of a child. The faith that believes my daddy can do anything and everything simply because He's my daddy. The faith that trusts in my father's words and reassurances even though I'm fearful of the monsters that might be lurking in the closet. The faith that wants to just lay back and let my daddy wow me of stories of his own making, helping me believe in the things that seem impossible.

And God's word promises me that if I have faith, even faith as small as a mustard seed, that I can move mountains. Instead of God being amazed at my lack of faith, I want to be amazed by His response as a result of my faith!

Feeling at Home

I traveled to Blakely this week to attend the funeral for my aunt. As we were driving through the streets of town, I was taken back to a moment in time (or several moments in time) from my childhood. You see, my dad was one of the only members of the family that didn't live in town. Everyone else (except for my Uncle Clarence) stayed there, raised their families there, made their homes there. My dad didn't. So when we traveled to visit my grandmother and the rest of the family, I always felt like the outsider. Let me be quick to say that it's no fault of my family's. It was just how I always felt.

Many of my memories of Blakely involved anticipation. I remember the anticipation of turning on the final road to my grandparent's house. I remember seeing the donkey on the corner where we turned, hearing our family dog bark as he knew he was almost back "home," and looking across the field towards my grandparents' house hoping to get a glimpse of my grandmother on the back porch awaiting our arrival. This was joyous anticipation. I couldn't wait to get there. I loved my grandparent's house. It was where my dad was born. I knew it would be full of wonderful smells of my grandmother's cooking. It felt like my second home. While my mom insisted that I always mind my manners, I didn't have to be on my best behavior there. I could just relax and be myself.

As we were driving down a street in town today, I was immediately taken back to a moment in time that held a different kind of anticipation. Nervous anticipation. In the back seat of my parent's car I was taken back to when I was about 8 or 9 years old. We were traveling down the same street, headed to my aunt's house. I was nervous. I knew everyone else coming to her house would be completely comfortable there. They lived together, saw one another all of the time, all of my cousins when to school together and had lots to talk about, they had the same friends. They thought nothing of just walking in the door. I, on the other hand, stood and knocked. I felt like I had to be on my best behavior, like I couldn't really be myself. Like I had to be the person they thought I was instead of the person I am. I remember having this feeling more strongly when my parents were dropping me off at some family member's house. If they stayed with me, I was okay. If I was by myself, it was a whole other story. I was fearful. Even now I don't understand why I was fearful. After all, these people were my family. They loved me.

My sister wasn't plagued with the same fears. She never wanted to stay at my grandmother's house. She wanted to be with my cousins. She thrived being with the rest of the family. She never has been one to be content just to sit still and she wasn't then either. I remember on several occasions going to my cousins' house to spend the night. I never wanted to be too far from her. It drove her crazy. But it made me feel more comfortable. It made it bearable. Again, I have no clue why I felt this way. My cousins are great, wonderful, welcoming people. They treated me just like what I was...a member of the family. But they were unfamiliar. I felt like I was the only unfamiliar one trapped in the midst of their world. I wanted to feel like I belonged, but I never did. And to be honest, to this day, I still feel the same way. I try not to, but nothing has changed. I stick close to my mom and dad. I am fine as long as they are there with me. Sad, I know, for a grown woman, but those feelings just will not go away.

I love my family. They are dear, dear people. But as I thought about this strange phenomenon in my life today, I wondered if that's how unchurched individuals feel in the midst of the church. Do they feel alone? Do they feel like they don't belong? Do they come to the doors of the church with nervous anticipation instead of joyful anticipation? Do they recognize the kindness of the people there but still feel like an outsider? Do they desperately long for someone to cling to, someone to feel safe around?

And what about me? Do I respond to that longing in the right way or do I overlook them? Do I just go about my business with my friends at my church, forgetting all along that it's not really my church anyway. It's God's church. How does He want me to respond? I know what it's like to feel like the outsider...to feel like everyone else knows everything about everyone else there except for me, to feel like I have to put on an act, to feel like I can't just be myself, to exist in a state of nervousness and fear.

Of all places where people should feel comfortable and loved, the church should be it. But as a member of the church, I don't feel like I do a very good job. I live in my own little world with my own friends and concerns, rarely noticing the hurting face of the person sitting across the aisle from me. Rarely noticing the scared individual who slips in on the back row and leaves as soon as the service ends to avoid the embarrassment of standing there alone with no one to talk with.

I know that feeling. I don't want anyone to feel that way. I must do something different!

2010: Don't Waste a Moment

Happy 2010! It's hard to believe another year has come and gone. I spent some time reflecting on 2009 this morning, looking back on what God has shown me and taught me through the year. And He's shown me a lot, mostly about submission. I have a feeling I'm going to be learning more about that in 2010 :)!

One of my new toys for 2010 is a new laptop. I spent some time today organizing my files and documents on my old laptop before moving them over to the new one. In doing so, I allowed myself to do something I probably shouldn't have done. I found a file from 2009, and I opened it and read it. This file contained letters to a person I care for deeply. The writing was good. It was complete, raw emotion. It was unbridled honesty. It was written in love. It was deeply personal but at the same time pertinent for many situations. I was astounded by the truth and wisdom found within these letters. It was obviously Godly wisdom and not of myself! But there was a sadness at the end of this journey down memory lane. The sadness came partly from the situation of love lost, but more so from opportunity lost. When I wrote those letters, I didn't feel like I could share those words with the intended recipient. I didn't feel the time was right. I didn't feel those words would be received well. I was afraid. These words have never gone anywhere past my eyes and the computer screen.

I wonder if they would have made a difference. Not in the short-term. I've made peace with that. But in the long-term. I wonder, if I had put my fears aside, if the words I wrote would have made a difference in the long-term, and by that I mean eternally. Would a life be different today? Would my life be different today? I would share them now, but that would just be weird and completely inappropriate considering the current situation. But it was definitely an opportunity lost.

But I did learn something from my reading. I'm going to do my best to live my life in 2010 in such as way as to not let opportunities like that slip by. I'm not going to be afraid. I'm not going to miss opportunities to share truth and unbridled honesty with others. And I'm going to do my best to do it in a loving and Godly manner. I'm going to take some instruction from my former boss: Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't be mean saying it.

I'm going to make 2010 a year of taken opportunities and life lived abundantly.

World AIDS Day

Today is World AIDS Day. A day to remember those who've lost the battle with HIV/AIDS. A day to celebrate the lives of those living with HIV/AIDS. A day to recommit ourselves to supporting the fight against HIV/AIDS.

To commemorate the day, I stood proud with a group of community members in making a human, red Ribbon of Life. I stood side by side with a friend, an HIV health educator, and the mayor of our city. I stood side by side with people who support HIV prevention, education, and assistance in our community. I stood side by side with people who understand the seriousness of the AIDS epidemic. I also organized a program to educate my college students on how the treatment of HIV has changed over the years. We heard from a positive voice as well as a member of the medical community. Their message: HIV changes your life, and not for the better. You can live with HIV. You can live a long time with HIV thanks to advances in medical care. But it's not an easy life. It's a life filled with struggles, stigmas, discrimination, and questions. And if each of us would do our part, people living with HIV wouldn't have to experience these things!

A friend of mine who works as an HIV Prevention specialist said today that HIV/AIDS is not just a medical issue. It's a human rights issue. While we may look at the disease from a clean, western perspective, not everyone around the world has all of the resources we have. Everyone deserves access to prevention that works and treatment that works. Not everyone has that. I was overjoyed to see that the new president of South Africa announced today that all South African children with HIV will now be treated with ARV medicines. This is a tremendous change from the previous administrator who refused to believe the scientific facts about the disease, therefore putting the health of millions of people at risk.

But HIV/AIDS is not just a human rights issue. It's a spiritual issue. I dare say that most Christians, even active evangelicals, let this day pass without a thought of HIV/AIDS. I fear that many people choose the attitude that HIV/AIDS is a result of sin so why should the people of God support that? The simple reason: because Jesus loves HIV+ people. Jesus commanded us to love all people. He commanded us to care for the widows and orphans. 6000 children around the world lose one or both parents everyday because of HIV/AIDS. Women get the disease from their husbands who have multiple partners, a practice that is accepted in some areas of the world. They pass the disease to their children. In places like Zimbabwe, Ethiopia, India, South Africa, Haiti, treatment is not readily available or affordable. Luxuries like clean water and nutritional meals throughout the day to be able to handle the medicine are not available. We are called by our Savior to care for the dying, crying, the broken. We are called by our Savior to love our neighbors as ourselves. Though they may live halfway around the world, they are our neighbors. Many are our brothers and sisters in Christ. Did they get infected because of a sinful act? Maybe. But the last time I checked, there were no sinless people on this earth.

More than 2 million AIDS related deaths were reported globally in 2008. This disease is completely preventable! We must educate ourselves, our friends, our families, our coworkers. We must make wise decisions with our bodies. We must respond to this crisis as Christ would. Are you holding the stone or are you drawing in the sand? Are you willing to ask the tough questions? Are you willing to answer the tough questions? Are you willing to make the tough choices.

Life will go on after today. It doesn't have to go on with HIV, though!

Shouts of Rejoicing

The psalmist opens and closes Psalm 97 with the same command: Rejoice in the Lord. Some modern translations use the word shout. And why are we told to rejoice? Because the Lord reigns. The Lord is King. That truly is a reason to rejoice, just knowing that our God and creator is in control, that He has all the power, and that He knows best! But if I’m really honest, I don’t do a very good job in rejoicing in the Lord. I don’t give God a shout out, if you will, very much. I’m quick to rejoice about other things in my life. Some things that get a shout:

· A letter that comes in the mail announcing a raise
· A game winning touchdown
· Finding $20 in your coat pocket at the beginning of the winter season
· An email announcing that offices will close early today
· An announcement that my budget is being more than doubled (that one even got a dance!)
· A rare phone call from a friend in China
· An unexpected gift
· A great ending to a TV show or movie
· Finding out a good meal is about to be served
· Finding a great deal at the store

The sad thing is all of these things are temporal. And when it comes down to it, after the moment passes, they aren’t very important or relevant. Why am I so willing to rejoice over the things that don’t matter and fail to rejoice in the one thing that does? Why is it so easy to be publicly and privately vocal about the petty things in life but it’s a struggle to publicly and privately rejoice before the Lord. Here’s a list of things that should get a shout in my life:
· Seeing a student, friend, or stranger accept Christ as Savior and Lord
· Discovering a new lesson in God’s word that is completely applicable to my current situation and struggles
· When God reveals a lesson in my circumstance that is undeniably from Him
· Having the opportunity and privilege of serving Him through my local church
· Having extra, unexpected time to spend in His word and just being with my King (instead of wasting it on stupid things)
· Having the opportunity to serve and encourage others
· Being placed in a situation where I can mentor someone in their relationship with God
· Seeing God’s power and beauty in His creation
· When God reveals Himself to me in a new song

Today, right now in this moment, I give God the shout out He deserves, not because of what He can give me or what He can do for me, but simply because of who He is! He is my King. I’m still discovering what that means, but the one thing I know is that He deserves my shout of rejoicing.

Spiritual Development of the "Churched" Student

It's like I lost contact with a close friend for some time. It's like I lost an appendage and have been figuring out how to go on without it. It's also as if I went on a diet from something healthy, for example, I stopped eating any kind of fruit. And it's all because I haven't found myself here in a long time. I haven't blogged since August. Sure, I can list of all of the excuses running around in my brain, but I think the real reason is that I purposely took a break from exposing my self as a way to protect myself. I don't know what I was trying to protect myself from, but it ends here, today, right now! It's not that I haven't wanted to blog. I just haven't disciplined myself to do it, much like I don't discipline myself to work out on a regular basis, even though I know how critical it is to my overall health. But, like I said, I'm trying to get back on track. The sad thing is, though, I've missed out on tracking my spiritual journey the last few months. But, God has truly taught me so much. The good thing about taking this blogging break is that it resulted in me expressing myself through song writing, something I had not done in a long time! But I want both!!!!

In the early hours of this morning as sleep hasn't been an option, I've been contemplating a new spiritual development theory for college students, specifically for students who are "churched" youth who enter college for the first time. I have had countless conversations with my students that support this theory. I haven't finished developing it completely, so maybe I should call it a pattern and not a theory. I'm sure the scientific and psychological world would dismiss it has craziness, but I see it played out in the lives of my college students day after day.

I guess it really does coincide with some other developmental theories. Early college students are often in a stage of cognitive development where everything is black and white, the teacher has all of the answers, and they aren't really interested in learning. They just want to be told what they have to know for the test. It's not about learning something new or letting this new knowledge transform their lives. It's all about completing a checklist. And sadly, many Christians, but especially students at that age who are considered "churched," approach their spiritual lives that way as well. When I say "churched" I don't necessarily mean spiritually mature. I'm referring to those students who grew up in a Christian home, who attended church on a regular or semi-regular basis, who can give the Sunday School answers to spiritual questions but have little spiritual depth. It seems that their spiritual walk is all about the religion of it all. There's a spiritual checklist that they use to measure their spiritual health.

I pray before my meals...check
I go to church, well, sometimes...check
I don't cuss as much as other people...check
I pray to God in times of crisis...check
My friends know I'm a Christian, at least in name...check
I keep my Bible by my bedside, just in case I need it...check
I'm not having sex with my boyfriend/girlfriend...check
I might go to parties, but I don't drink...check

And for them, this is what the Christian life consists of, little more than a checklist of dos and don'ts. They are good people, or at least they are not that bad. And that's stage one.

Stage two begins when some catalyst thrusts them into a spiritual bubble. Some might say they are "on fire for Jesus." These students attend every Bible Study offered on campus, every night of the week. They decide to become closer to God by only listening to Christian music. They isolate themselves from anyone who doesn't want to participate in Christian things like they do. They absorb every spiritual word they receive but maintain that legalistic checklist, often leading to feelings of hopelessness and guilt because they start to see their own failures and begin to wonder if they'll ever measure up. They want to live their lives for God's purposes, but don't know quite how to mesh that with the world around them. They pick someone to be their beacon of truth and depend on that person's words rather than the Word of God. Sadly, if they never move out of Stage 2, they may fall away completely, taking a lot of other people down with them.

So what's the next stage? Relationship. It's coming to the realization or understanding that living the life God calls us to live is not about a spiritual checklist to see if you measure up. It's not about isolating oneself from the world around us and living in a spiritual bubble. It's not about storing up spiritual information and never doing anything with it other than maintaining a spiritual file. It's about a relationship with the Heavenly Father. It's understanding that we will never measure up outside of the grace of Jesus Christ. It's understanding that being good is not the answer, rather being in a relationship with God is. It's wanting to live your life in such a way as to honor God, to bring glory to His name. It's living out a counter reality within the world's reality. It's learning to live by the only standard that matters, God's. It's daily dying to self and selfish desires and making the desires of God your own. It's putting on the spiritual armor on a daily (or moment by moment) basis. It's realizing that the battle is not against flesh, but against evil. It's seeing that our relationship with God will transform our relationship with other people. If our relationship with God is healthy and growing, our perspective on evangelism is transformed into a relational approach. It's realizing how much God loves us and striving to love Him as He deserves. It's learning to be transparent before the One who knows all and understands us better than we understand ourselves. It's allowing God's grace to cover us.

My biggest struggle is figuring out how to help students move towards that relationship mentality. God has been setting this before me a great deal lately. And I'm just trying to figure it all out. But I know He is faithful, and on that promise I'm choosing to cling!

My Faith needs a Workout!

My faith is in desperate need of a workout! I am in a season of brokenness, and my prayer is that through that brokenness, God can put me back together again as He wants me to be.

Too many times I want answers instead of trust.

Too many times I want solutions instead of hope.

Last week during a staff development retreat, we completed the Strength Finders inventory. My top strength was Strategic. It is described in this way:

"People who are especially talented in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues. Because of your strengths, you have a knack for identifying problems. You spontaneously generate alternatives for solving them. You probably consider the pros and cons of each option. You often factor into your thinking prevailing circumstances and available resources. You feel life is good when you sense you are choosing the best course of action. By nature, you occasionally marvel at your ability to vividly express your thoughts and feelings. It’s very likely that you usually feel satisfied with life when your innovative thinking style is appreciated. You automatically pinpoint trends, notice problems, or identify opportunities many people overlook. Armed with this knowledge, you usually devise alternative courses of action. By evaluating the circumstances, available resources, and/or the potential consequences of each plan, you can select the best option."

While this strength may help me be successful in my job, it is often a hindrance in my faith walk. I am so focused on solving problems and finding alternative ways to do so, I often fail to simply put my faith in my Heavenly Father. I don't want to live this way. I want to have faith to move mountains. I want to have hope to find freedom.

So I am praying now, admittedly begrudgingly so, that God will give my faith a workout. That He will teach me in the midst of my brokenness to put my trust in Him. That He will remind me daily that His thoughts are higher than mine and His ways are better.

One of my former students was recently in a tragic car accident, and he and his brother are both in two different hospitals in Montana. Jeremy was actually considered a casualty at the scene of the accident, but he is still holding on, clinging to life. Another brother, Trav, has chronicled their family's faith journey via a Caringbridge site. He made this entry a few days ago:

"Our "Americanism" of instant fixes and immediate gratification along with always finding a way to numb the pain or tune it out has been rocked! I've been humbled so far realizing that I should be living in the tension of faith daily no matter what the circumstances. I should not be what I have often been and that is being a stranger who vacations there when despair forces me to. "

Maybe that's what God is teaching me in the circumstances of my life right now. The importance of living in the tension of faith daily. The importance of clinging to God for direction and guidance for the next step. The importance of trusting in God's provision. I don't want to be that stranger on vacation in the realm of my faith. I want to make my home there. I want to put down roots. I want those roots to grow strong! I want every word and every deed to be an expression of my faith in a holy God! I want to take off the mask that I so often wear, both the good and the bad parts, although lately, the bad has been outweighing the good so maybe getting rid of the mask isn't such a bad idea.

This morning, as I was getting dressed, I put in an old Andrew Peterson CD and listened to an old favorite...in fact, I put it on repeat for the entire morning. These words are my prayer today:

Give us faith to be strong

Father, we are so weak

Our bodies are fragile and weary

As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead

Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong

Give us strength to be faithful

This life is not long, but it's hard

Give us grace to go on

Make us willing and able

Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn

Mend us up when we break

This flesh can be wounded and shaking

When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take

Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong

Give us strength to be faithful

This life is not long, but it's hard

Give us grace to go on

Make us willing and able

Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope

Father, we cannot see

How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom

And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe

So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong

Give us strength to be faithful

This life is not long, but it's hard

Give us grace to go on

Make us willing and able

Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith, faith to be strong

Enduring Hope

Today is not what I had hoped it would be. It's not what I dreamed it would be. But it is exactly what God planned and dreamed it to be! God's faithfulness and love are overwhelming. And because of His faithfulness and love, my hope endures. Praise my God who is my everlasting hope!

God is Real

I wish everyone I know or am acquainted with who doubts God could have been in my kitchen last night and experienced the love of the Lord like I did last night. There is a Christian song that has these words:

All of me, on my knees
Singing holy, holy
Somehow all that matters now
Is you are holy, holy

I fully understand that like I never have before. You see, God has been revealing something to me over the past month of so, and I'm only getting to see bits of pieces of whatever God is doing. And that's not out of some sadistic pleasure God gets from only showing me a little bit at the time. I believe it's because God is showing me only what he has equipped me to handle and understand right now. And that's okay. I take great comfort in the love of a God who knows those things and isn't throwing it all at me at once, AND a God who is daily teaching and equipping me to handle the next step. I don't know what lies ahead, and my greatest fear last night was that I was going to start down my own path, a path based on what I see, instead of walking by faith and letting God show me the next step.

I cried out to him in anguish, and boy did he answer. I described it to a friend like those medical shows where they jab a sharp object into someones chest cavity to relieve the pressure during a heart attack (don't know if that's medically accurate, but that's what I see on TV). It was like that last night. I was standing over God's word, crying out to him to make me obedient, yelling that I didn't understand, and immediately, a peace washed over me. My breathing calmed, what felt like a balloon in my chest seemed to slowly deflate back to normal size. But it was more than a physical peace. It was deep inside of me, my God assuring me that He is Sovereign, He is in control, and He will be faithful in showing me the next step!

I fell to my knees, right there in the kitchen and worshiped my Heavenly Father. There was no other response, no other option. I had to fall face down before my holy God! He is real. He is true. He is faithful. And my priority is to make that known!!!

I serve a God who has called me by name, who summons me, who has designated me as his own. I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to doubt his faithfulness. He is seated on His throne and in control!

I found great comfort from the words of the prophet Isaiah last night:

I call you by your name. I name you, though you do not know me. I ma the Lord and there is no other, besides me there is no God; I equip you, though you do not know me, that people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form light and create darkness. I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord who does all these things. Isaiah 45:4-7

A Word from the Lord

A word from the Lord that I needed to hear this morning:

The goal is make Him known!

Childhood Vacations

Someone asked me recently what my favorite vacation as a child was. I didn't really know how to answer that question. You see, for most families, vacation is something that happens once or twice a year, an event planned months in advance that includes travel to places unknown. Not for my family, though. It was not uncommon for my dad to decide on Thursday evening that we were going to North Carolina for the weekend. It didn't even have to be a 3 days weekend. And we lived in South Georgia...it's not like North Carolina was just a hop, skip, and a jump away. We would leave on Friday afternoon, drive as far as we could, spend the night, wake up early and drive the rest of the way, spend Saturday and Sunday going to all of our favorite places and finding new ones, and leaving Sunday afternoon for a long ride home. These trips were great fun, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

We rarely took special vacations, and if we did, they usually coincided in some way with a conference my dad had to attend for work. One of the things that amazes me about working with college students is that every now and then I'll come across a student who has never stayed in a hotel before. This always catches me by surprise. I mean, by the time I was 10, I had stayed in my fair share. They weren't always the best, rarely 5 star. I do remember this one time getting to stay at the Ritz Carlton at Amelia Island because of a meeting my dad was attending (one of our family vacation, ahem). I remember it because they put dark chocolates on the pillow, and I found the housekeeping cart and raided a few extra chocolates. I also remember coming back to our room one day and finding a fruit basket. My dad wouldn't let us touch it. Some insurance company that was trying to woo him for his business had sent it. My dad had no intention of using them, so he didn't think it was ethical of us to enjoy the fruit. That was so not fair! Most of my hotel stays were places like the Holiday Inn or Ramada Inn. As long as they had a pool, I was good to go. And a TV in the room...we weren't allowed to have such at home, so hotels were great for that reason alone. My friend Teresa's little boy is so excited this week because they are going on vacation to Charlotte. Now, Charlotte is only about 45 minutes away, but it makes it vacation because they are staying in a hotel. Just think if parents realized this about kids. They could save lots of money on vacations by just going to the next town over and staying in a hotel. Their kids would never know the difference!

Now, before the hotel stays, in days where my parents were either poor or cheap (a little of both I think) there was camping. Knowing what I know about my mom now, it is hard for me to believe she ever did this willingly, but she did. I wish I remembered more about this days, but honestly, I only have bits and pieces. I was so young. What I do remember is that those are some of the best times of my childhood. Speaking of saving money...but I don't know that it would be such an easy sell for today's youth. There's no technology (at least in the type of camping I'm talking about), you go to bed early, wake up early. The fun is in learning to set up the tent, hear ghost stories from your dad, laughing when your parent's air mattress deflates in the middle of the night, trying to find the bathhouse in the dark, cooking outside, playing games as a family, and really just talking to one another. Wow, I think I want to go camping now!

I was talking with a friend today about cars today and all of the technology perks people look for. Don't DVD players and TVs keep kids and parents from talking to one another, just on trips from school to home, not to mention on long drives like vacations. Part of the fun on those long drives were all the games you played to keep yourself entertained, like the Find the Alphabet on the street signs game, I-Spy, or Cows (apparently this was a Day family thing that only works when traveling in rural areas with lots of cow pastures and cemeteries!). Catching up on my reading was also a great car ride activity. And listening to music together as a family. What fun is it if everyone can hear their own thing? My childhood would not have been the same without Psalty the singing songbook tapes. I still know most of the words to those songs! And when we had listened to all of our tapes multiple times, we resorted to singing together, you know the silly songs, the nursery rhymes. How sad is it that we will have a generation of young adults who will never know these simple pleasures in life.

So what was my favorite vacation as a child? Well, I can list a few.

1. Trips to Hendersonville/Asheville: I'm lumping all of these many trips together. One of the best parts was staying at the Holiday Inn with the indoor pool. It's not even a Holiday Inn now, and it looks pretty shabby on the outside, but as a child, it was heaven on earth! The also had an indoor hot tub. And it was right next to the World of Clothing. A trip to Hendersonville was not complete without a visit there, but I'm talking old school World of Clothing, not the current version. Oh, and shopping right across the street at the Picture Me outlet. So much fun to get new clothes every year! And eating at Jimmy's! I so wish that Italian restaurant was still in business. It was only the best place ever! I remember one specific trip where we went to the Biltmore House. We were going on a Sunday afternoon, after church (you see my family still went to church, even when we were out of town), and I didn't want to go in my Sunday dress. I cried and cried. I'm sure I was quite annoying to my family, and I've apologized profusely to my mom and dad now that I'm an adult. We also ate at the Deer Park Restaurant inside of Biltmore. Because I had such a sour attitude that day, I pouted that I would find nothing to eat. My mom promised me there would be a hamburger on the menu, but she was wrong. Truly, the only thing I would eat (or could pronounce) from the menu was Broccoli and Cheese soup. I think about that experience every time I see Broccoli and Cheese soup to this day! Every now and then we'd stay at some different place, a cottage or B&B. Those were fun times, too. Favorite trips often revolved around the Apple Festival in September and a visit to the Sky Top Apple Orchard. I still love going there, and lucky for me, it's only 45 minutes away!

2. Nantahala Village: Now I know this seems awfully close to Hendersonville and Asheville, but this was one of those rare planned vacations. We spent several days there. We stayed in a stone cabin, went horseback riding and my sister's horse almost went off the mountain. We went gem mining! It was a great vacation, and one I've never forgotten.

3. Illinois: When I was around 13, my mom got a call one Sunday morning from a lady who told her she was her sister. She also told her she had a total of 8 other siblings. This was news to my mom, and we planned a trip that summer to meet these new family members. Their family home was in rural Illinois, so everyone gathered there for a weekend. I got to meet my biological grandfather for the first time and found out I had lots of new aunts, uncles, and cousins. I remember catching fireflies in jars, eating watermelon, playing until it got dark and we were forced to come inside, hearing their family stories, and marveling at how much my mom looked like her new found sisters. It was a great trip and introduced me to a whole new side of my life.

4. Oklahoma: I turned 7 in Oklahoma. My dad had to go to a meeting in Texas, so my mom and her friend, Ms. Sue, drove us out to Oklahoma where my grandparents were living at the time. I remember seeing a guy driving in circles on the road on the way and learning that Ms. Sue was deathly afraid of driving/riding over bridges! We had so much fun there. One of the best memories is when my cousin Michael, who was either in his late teens or early 20s at the time was given the task of babysitting us kids while our parents and grandparents went for a walk. Michael decided to take us to the park down the street. It had been raining that week, so around the merry go round a the park was a big moat of water. I got on and Michael started running around, making us spin. I fell off into the water. He was so scared that my mom was going to be mad that he made us rush home and try to give me a bath before they made it back. But as we came up the road towards the house from one direction, my mom and everyone was coming up from the other direction. He was so funny about that, and the funny thing was, my mom didn't seem to care!

5. The House Boat ride: My parents decided that we would rent a house boat and spend a few days floating down the Suwanee River. I guess they were trying to help us feel like Stephen Foster! What made this so exciting was the fact that we got stuck in the middle of the river one afternoon on a sand bar. We had to spend the night there. I still have this clear image in my head of my dad getting up really early that morning to dig us out with a broom handle!

6. Bardstown, Kentucky: This was a place we went several years in a row and one of the places we would camp at. We always went to see the outdoor musical drama of the Stephen Foster story. We went back just a few years ago. It was as spectacular as I remember as a child! The ladies in their pretty dresses, dancing with umbrellas, singing some of my favorite songs such as Beautiful Dreamer, Old Dog Trey, Old Folks at Home, and more! These trips helped solidify my love for musical theater and my need for my life to be like a musical!

7. Philadelphia: My dad served as the president for a local civic group one year, and he had to attend the national convention of this group. So, that became our family vacation. We rode the train all the way from Georgia to Philadelphia. We did all of the touristy things, stayed in a really nice hotel (paid for by someone else where the hamburgers were more expensive than the ones on the train), ate breakfast at Burger King every morning, and had the best clam chowder ever made at Wanamaker's Department store. I love American history, so this trip was perfect for me. I've been back to Philadelphia several times, but nothing will ever beat that first trip.

I'm sure there are more, but these are the ones that stand out the most. The crazy thing is, they didn't include trips to big expensive amusement parks and weren't very far away from home. Some of the best trips were when we just got in the car and drove, not really knowing what we were going to do that day. Most of the best trips were our weekend adventures to the North Carolina mountains. I wouldn't trade these days for anything. I wouldn't want cruises or trips to Disney World or weeks at the beach year after year. Part of the fun was the unknown. Most of the fun was simply being together as a family.

So mom and dad, thank you! Thank you for making vacations so fun. They may have been simple. They may have been cheap. You may have gotten sick of watching us at the hotel pool for hours on end and frustrated when we didn't want to do anything but go back to the pool and play, but you did it anyway. You exposed us to new things. You took us places that would teach us to appreciate God's creation. You took us places that would teach us to appreciate history. You took the time to help us appreciate one another. Thank you!

My favorite vacations as a child, and there are many, are my favorite not because of the destination but because of the fun and the time with family. I appreciate my parents for helping me understand that.

When the Blog World and the Real World Meet...

So, today I sent an email to a guy named Ryan Bult. He's the missions pastor at Crosspoint Community Church in Nashville, TN. I sent him an email to ask for some help and guidance on a service trip I'm planning for my students over Fall Break. Their church had participated in a service opportunity at the tent city in Nashville, and I wanted to get some insight from him, and let's just be honest, some help. I became familiar with the church through "blog world." Bring the Rain, the blog of Angie Smith, introduced me to Crosspoint, which in turn introduced me to the blog of their pastor, Pete Wilson, and then the blog of his wife, Brandi Wilson. I listen to Pete's sermon's online on a pretty regular basis and in those sermon's he has referenced Ryan, so that's why I knew to contact him.

In some weird way, though, because I have become familiar with these people through "blog world," they have achieved somewhat celebrity status in my head. I know that sounds crazy and any of the people I've mentioned above would probably laugh out loud if they read that, but it's true. I know they are just regular people, serving God in the ministry to which He has called them, but in my human mind, they are celebrities. So, when I walked back in my office after lunch and saw Crosspoint Community Church show up on the caller ID, I immediately answered. It was Ryan Bult, the celebrity in my mind, calling me! We had a great conversation, and I think he is really going to be a great resource as I continue to prepare for this trip, but in the back of my mind, the whole time, all I could think of was, "I'm talking to Ryan Bult, from Crosspoint!"

I know this is stupid. I even kept telling myself (in my head of course) that this was stupid. But it still excited me to have the "blog world" and the real world meet! It's about as stupid as me crying for five minutes over the Taylor Swift video about her mom that I watched right before I left for lunch. And when I say I was crying, I was crying, hard. And for five minutes after it was over, just trying to explain it to someone else. My friend Kerie thought I was crazy but was immediately more understanding of why I cried at the end of High School Musical 3! At least she got a good laugh.

Anyway, it was just a weird moment but a moment so obviously orchestrated by my Heavenly Father that I was a bit humbled. I am so thankful for "blog world," and I think it and the real world should meet much more often!

Day of Small Things

From the ESV Study Bible Intro to Zechariah: "Under the circumstances, it was easy for the people to conclude that theirs was a "day of small things" (4:10) in which God was absent from his people. In such a context, faithful obedience was viewed by many as useless: pragmatically, it made more sense to pursue to best life possible in spite of the present difficulties."

How culturally relevant is that for today??? I don't really know that this blog has much of a purpose but to flesh out some things I've been thinking about and struggling to understand. I decided to do a little study of the book of Zechariah because of a sermon I heard Sunday night. It's so difficult to truly understand the prophets of the Old Testament until you understand what was going on in their world at the time of writing. As I was reading the introduction, the quote above struck a chord in me.

I've been heartwrenched (don't know if that's a word, but it pretty much describes how I've been feeling) lately over the lack of urgency I have to share my faith with others. I had to call someone the other day to do a reference check for a student. The reference happened to be a pastor in our community. When I finished the business portion of the conversation, this man asked me where I go to church. I answered, and his response was one of utter relief. He said, "Great. Then you're a believer. That's so wonderful." I was a little taken aback by his question and comments and shamefully thought, wow that could be a big turnoff to people. But quickly I realized that this man has it right. He's not afraid to find out where people are in their relationship with Christ. He put it right out there. A positive response from me was not what he was looking for. He was looking for the opportunity to share the love of God with someone who may not know it! I want to have that same sense of urgency. Tonight I struggled with an email I was sending to a friend. I honestly didn't feel like he wanted my God-centered perspective, but I didn't know what else to say. Everything else seemed to fall flat. God's sovereignty and providence were the only words of encouragment that made sense. But why did I struggle in writing that message. This is what I believe with all of my heart. Why don't I have a sense of urgency to share it, both in word and in deed?

I've been heartwrenched lately because I'm seeing so many people who aren't "ready" for God right now. They know about God, but they have no interest in knowing God. This brings me to tears. Like the people in the days of Zechariah, people today find faithful obedience useless and strive to live life to the fullest. Well, I agree that we should live life to the fullest, but the fullest life can only be found in Christ! Why do we all think we have more time? Why is surrender so hard?

We are not living in the "day of small things." We are living in a world where God hears our cries and delivers us from our fears. We are living in a world where God is active, where the Holy Spirit is moving, where God desperately seeks a relationship with us, his creation.

I want to transform my tears to action. I want to transform my heartwrench to love. I want to prove my God and His faithfulness over and over again. I want to sing with my life, "This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long!" God is not absent. God is not distant. God is here! God is alive! God has given us life to live to the fullest...if only we will grab hold of it!

Army Wives is one of my favorite shows on TV. It gives a very entertaining view of what life could be like for those who are married into the military, the struggles they face trying to boost morale, financial struggles, struggles of being left behind for months running a household alone, struggles of being away from your spouse. Last night's episode, however, portrayed something a bit different.

One of the main characters, incidentally a new mother, is about to be deployed to Iraq. She tells her husband that before she goes, she wants to have her baby daughter christened. As she is self-admittedly "not religious" this request takes her husband, who apparently attends church regularly, by surprise. He is elated and agrees to call his pastor. I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised when the pastor arrives to meet with the wife about the christening as he did not waste anytime getting to the heart of her own spiritual health. He even mentioned, shockingly, the importance of having a relationship with Jesus! He didn't do this in a pushy or overbearing way. He simply explained the importance of baptism and the important role that parents have in helping their children grow in their faith. (Side note: I will not get into the fact that infant baptism is an unbiblical practice here, because that is not the point of this blog posting, but it is something of which I am fully aware.) The pastor just asked questions. In fact, the exchange between them went like this.

Pastor: "I am especially eager to hear about your relationship with our Lord."
Joan: "Uh, well, I see, I don't have one actually. As a soldier I have a deep reverence for tradition."
Pastor: "Baptism is more than tradition. It is the cornerstone of our faith."
Joan: "I thought this was about Sarah Elizabeth."
Pastor: "Your daughter will emulate you in walking her own path with Christ. Joan, have you been baptized?"

The scene ends there, but a few minutes later she tells her husband that she felt like she was being interrogated. She said she wanted something more like their wedding where they got to write their own vows and there wasn't so much religion. In fact, as the episode continued, the parents found another church who would perform a dedication of the child. At first, I was excited and surprised they were taking this path, however, then it was explained that the dedication wasn't really about God at all. It was about community.

This didn't surprise me. You see, it fits right into our postmodern culture. People want religion to make them feel good about themselves. They will go to church as long as they don't have to hear anything that questions their goodness. Religion is considered an important part of life, much like being involved in a civic organization. However, hundreds of thousands of people are missing the point. It's not about religion. It's about a relationship with Jesus Christ, exactly what the first pastor on the show said. I don't know why it frustrated me to see the media portray him as being pushy and unreasonable. I should have expected it. But I was so taken aback by his honesty and his mentioning of a relationship with Christ, I was hoping it would turn out differently.

The sad thing is, this character's view is shared by millions of people all across our nation. We are a consumer driven society, and we've transferred that mentality over to our churches. And some churches, in an attempt to grow and some even in an attempt to reach more people for Christ, have fallen right into the trap of consumerism. And it's so easy. We want to measure our success by numbers. We want to measure our success by people's satisfaction with what we offer. It makes sense...from a worldly viewpoint. Not so much from a Godly perspective.

I'm currently reading a book that addresses this challenge facing God's church. It's entitled Franchising McChurch: Feeding the Obsession with Easy Christianity by Thomas White and John M. Yeats. It's a very interesting and thought-provoking read, and I recommend it to anyone involved in church ministry. You can click on the link above to find out more about it.
The authors argue that the church, in an attempt to grow and keep up with an ever-changing society, is or is in danger of falling prey to a McDonald's type mentality. Churches, and the consumers within churches, fall into the trap of measuring their success rates by efficiency, predictability, calculability, and control. While these things can help us understand our effectiveness, relying on one or all of these methods rather than focusing on the Great Commission and the biblical model for the church can quickly draw us from Godly obedience to consumerism.

The quotes below, taken from the book, address the same issues brought up in last night's episode of Army Wives.

"Whatever the spiritual influence, with so many products being offered, the true consumer picks and chooses which product fits his or her given needs during a given moment. With a loss of commitment and no long-term dedication to any institution, the true end of consumer-driven religion is an individual pick-and-choose religion that finds no ties binding one to messy relationships and institutions. p. 141

"The 'happy news' presented at some consumer-driven churches appears to be a magic wand, a talisman, or an additional feature that simply makes living the current life better. For some, God becomes a fairy godmother whom they call upon whenever something new is needed. For others, the gift of God appears to be a bonus offer of eternal fire insurance. So while experiencing all that the world has to offer, they simply add on this 'God thing' to make their experience even better. For others the gospel is like an extra feature on a new car. Although there is nothing wrong with this life and they see no problem that needs fixing, God can enrich the experience and be there just in case He is needed." p. 144

Why we are surprised that this is happening, I don't know. Paul writes to Timothy,

In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 2 Timothy 4:1-4

As Christians, as members of THE church, we must be ever vigilant in living our lives in such a way that relationship with Jesus is emphasized over religion. We must be diligent in making sure that our churches are preaching the whole Word of God, not just the parts that make people happy or make life seem easy. Jesus even promised that in this world we would have trouble. We must live free, as servants of God. We must live as those who have hope in the One eternal! We must walk the tight rope of speaking the truth in love, even though the world may see it as judgement. We must be careful to steer clear of judgement that is motivated by self-righteousness but never be afraid of speaking God's truth, for we are promised the God's Word will not come back void.

This is a high order. One that can only be fulfilled through a relationship with Jesus, for we are weak. We will falter, but we must remember the words of our Lord to the apostle Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Plan to Be Surprised

Yesterday, I went to Gastonia to have lunch with Kristen. Kristen and I went to college together at Mercer, and God saw fit, some years later, to put us together again in the same place at the same time. Our friendship has grown so much since then. As we were outside playing with her soon-to-be four year old son, she asked me,

"Did you ever imagine when we were in college that you would be here playing with my kids?"

My answer was no. But then I followed it up with, "But I don't really remember what I imagined my life would be like." She agreed.

Just a few moments ago, I finished watching the movie Dan In Real Life. He ends the movie with the following narration.

"...life plans, and how we allmake them. And how we hope that our kids make good, smart, safe plans of their own. But if we're really honest with ourselves, our plans don't work out as we'd hoped. So instead of asking our young people, 'What are your plans? What do you plan to do with your life?' maybe we should tell them this...'plan to be surprised.'"

Plans...imaginations...hopes...dreams. I think the movie may have gotten it right. Plan to be surprised! You will be anyway.

I want to live my life with that in mind. I want to plan to be surprised.

Discouragement: What to Do

I recently found myself at the end of the work day feeling very discouraged. Something that I had hoped would happen that day had not, and the feelings of disappointment were overwhelming. I left work, drove home, walked right into the house and grabbed my Bible. I didn’t really know what to do with these feelings. After all, as Christians, we’re not supposed to be discouraged, right? We’re supposed to have the joy of the Lord. And I did, but I also was hurt and a little angry and somewhat in disbelief. And at the moment, those feelings were surfacing much more in my demeanor than the joy of the Lord. I wasn’t quite sure what to do about that, but I knew where the answer could be found.

There was another thought pattern that was bothering me, as well. I knew I had to be at church just a couple of hours after I arrived home. Sadly, I felt an overwhelming need to "deal with" my feelings before I got to church. I didn't want people there to see me like that. What? That makes no sense! None at all! Of all places on the face of the earth, I should feel most comfortable taking off the mask, so to speak, at church. That should be a place I don't have to put on a happy face and smile. Now, I don't mean that churches should be full of people who are sad and/or complaining all the time, but I do feel that it should be a place where people are comfortable sharing their struggles with one another...and that should result in prayer, right then and there. Anyway...

As I dove into God's word, I found great solace in Psalm 34. The words of the psalmist reminded me that my Lord will deliver me from my fears. I learned that the Lord’s ears hear my cry for help. I was relieved to hear once again that I serve a God who can deliver me from my troubles. My favorite verse, verse 18, echoes a verse in Psalm 147. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Most importantly, the psalmist’s words reminded me to “taste and see that the Lord is good!” I had forgotten to really see how good my Lord is. I realized that I had put my hope in something other than my heavenly Father that day. I realized that I had put something else on the throne of my heart.

That was the root of my discouragement. I had put my focus and my hope on something that was bound to disappoint. I had to stop beating myself up for feeling that way and surrender my heart and my will, once again, to God. It really is a daily struggle and too often I'm scared to admit that. I guess that's all a part of being authentic, though.

32 Years

I turn 32 today. And if I am completely honest, my life looks nothing like I thought it would at 32, at least as a child.

I never imagined I would have the job I have. In fact, as a child I wanted to be a grocery clerk, teacher, boutique owner, or get this one...full service gas station attendant when I grew up. I also thought I would have appeared on the Price is Right, but that hasn't happened either. But I practiced, believe me! I never imagined I would have the opportunity to help shape the lives of young adults. I never imagined I would have a job where I can use my God-given creativity and encourage people to follow their dreams. I never imagined I would have a job where I get to play for a living! I never imagined I would have a job that I loved going to every day.

I never imagined I would have the friends I have. I also never imagined that I wouldn't be close with friends from childhood, but I must admit that Facebook allows me to at least keep tabs on people with whom I grew up, and that's really nice. I really am blessed to have so many wonderful friends who truly care about me. I have friends I can pray with, laugh with, cry with, be silly with, do crazy things with, and everything in between. I have friends that tell me the truth when I need to hear it, no matter how much it might hurt. I have friends that let me dream. I have friends that buy me lunch each Sunday! I have friends that serve as my family when mine is so far away. I have true friends in all age groups, and my friends keep me grounded. Most importantly, my friends lead me toward the throne of grace

I never imagined I would live here. Growing up, we always took family vacations to Hendersonville/Asheville, North Carolina. Even just for a weekend away, we would pack the car and drive eight hours to the mountains. I never imagined I would live so close. I never imagined I would live right in the midst of the Blue Ridge Mountains. And here I am, right in the middle of God's beauty.

I never imagined I would have the opportunities I have. I get to travel places with my job. I get to help lead worship on Sunday mornings through song! I get to work with incredibly amazing and talented people day in and day out. I have this blog as a forum to share my deepest thoughts, questions, prayers, frustrations, etc. I have a house in which I can entertain and show hospitality to others. I have endless opportunities to serve others.

So while my life is not what I imagined it would be, it is far more than I ever imagined! I can look back over the past 32 years and see how God has painted the tapestry of my life. One experience builds on another. Experiences I had in high school prepared me for experiences I have now. My first real job out of college truly prepared me for the job I have now. There are countless people in my life who have taught me, discipled me, loved me, ultimately shaping me into the person I am now.

When I look back over the last 32 years, I am overwhelmed by the goodness and providence of my Heavenly Father. I am truly thankful that God always has been and forever will be the Author of my life. The words of an old song by the group Truth put it best.

We have come so far

You have been so good

When I trace the road that we have traveled

I gotta tell you Lord

I look at where we are

And see where I could have been

And I need to say again you've been so good

Who would have guessed that we would come so far?