Thankful Tuesday - My Pioneer Peers

After a two week hiatus, Thankful Tuesday has returned. For the past week I have spent most of my time with 20 of the finest college students around. These students, the 2011-2012 SMC Pioneer Peers have worked tirelessly to prepare for the beginning of the school year, to help 500 new freshmen transition into college life, and have been a source of help to me beyond what they could ever know. I decided to devote this week's Thankful Tuesday blog to them. Below you will find why I am thankful for each one of them.

Chris B. - Chris makes me laugh. He is so easy going and willing to step in and help at any time. He really cares about other students and just people in general. I'm thankful for the way he brings ease to every situation.

B.C. - She is a hard worker. I can count on B.C. to be there. She has great ideas and wants great things for her life. I am thankful I get to have a sideline seat to watch her grow and come into her own.

Ebonee - Her smile and laughter are contagious. She makes everyone feel at ease and puts us all in a good mood.

Corey - He is so conscientious and aware of everything around him. He wants to live life to the fullest and is just one of those people who gets along with pretty much everyone. I am thankful for the positive example he is to those around him.

Sarah - She is so full of life and energy. She never seems to stop. She is dedicated to her family, her friends, and likes to have fun. I am thankful that she is my Pioneer Peers for my class this semester. We will have so much fun!

Rashad - He's quiet, but when he speaks, his words are powerful. This is evidenced by his poetry. He is a very talented individual and puts that into all that he is.

Brent - He has come out of his shell so much since I first met him. Brent meets you with an honesty that is refreshing and a transparency that challenges you to be a better person.

Marcus - He challenges me to think differently, to speak differently, to act differently, to look at the world differently. All in a good way. I am thankful for someone who keeps me on my toes...and keeps me laughing.

Matt - He never gives up. He has a passion for life that is contagious! He is just simply a fun person to be around. I'm thankful I get to watch him grow and learn to use his God-givens strengths.

Isaiah - I remember the first time I met Isaiah. He exudes life and excitement. His sense of humor and people skills will lend themselves well to a political career one day. I am thankful any time I get to be around him, especially when I get to see him figure something out for the first time...it's just pure joy!

Josh - He's a quiet leader but one who is coming out of his shell more and more each day. Yesterday I got to witness first hand him learn that he made a difference in someone's life. It meant so much to him, and I'm glad I got to witness that moment of realization.

Chris P. - This kid is passionate about so many things...running, eating right, being where he's supposed robe when he's supposed to be there, etc. He's committed! He's dedicated! We could all learn from him.

KP - She's fearless. I wish I could have just an ounce of her energy and excitement. She's not easily discouraged and a great motivator.

Ciara - She's always willing to share. She's always willing to do what needs to be done. She's a great encouraged!

Dezrae - She inspires me with her positive attitude and willing spirit. She is so teachable and such a great leader. She listens well and she gives back constantly. I cannot wait to see what she accomplishes in this life!

Kayla - She has fun no matter what she is doing. She speaks her mind and is not afraid to fail, learning from every mistake. She pushes through hardship and loves to laugh and enjoy the moment.

Chad - He's one of the most helpful people I know. He always goes the extra mile. He always has a smile on his face. He knows what he wants to do with his life and consistently makes choices to help him reach his goals.

Tayla - Sweet is the first word that I think of when think of Tayla. She's always positive and always helpful. Se puts herself out there in order to accomplish great things.

Nacolle - She is a good decision maker. She knows how to weigh her options and make the best choice based on the circumstances. She consistently puts other people's needs ahead of her own. This past weekend when things were so busy and hectic, Nacolle had to deal with some pretty heavy stuff to handle. Most people never knew because she put all of that aside to be an effective leader. I am so thankful for that attitude and her willingness to be so present.

I am so privileged to work with such a great group of student leaders. I don't know what I would have done without them is week!

Thankful Tuesday on Thursday - Mission Trip Experiences

Since my Tuesday was so busy, I had to move the Thankful Tuesday feature of the blog to Thursday for this week.

Since I'm currently in Kentucky on a mission trip, I thought I would focus this week's list of thankfulness on mission trip experiences, specifically this mission trip.

1. I'm thankful for a 1o year old who has the boldness to ask an adult he's just met if she knows Jesus.

2. I'm thankful for our evening devotions and hearing about the experiences of my team members and how God is moving in our group and in this town.

3. I'm thankful for rain showers, even if they force us to re-evaluate our plans for the day.

4. I'm thankful for the relationships I've built with other members of the team. I'm thankful for the barriers that God has broken down so that we can all serve together.

5. I'm thankful that we all have different gifts and strengths. I'm thankful that we are all members of one body. The "body" truly does need all of it's parts to work!

6. I'm thankful to get to see God's glory revealed in seemingly impossible situations.

7. I'm thankful to get to witness the concept of transformation in the physical sense to understand the transforming power of the Holy Spirit in the spiritual sense and the command we all have in scripture to be transformed, not conformed.

8. I'm thankful for Jim and Nancy Ramey who are such fearless and capable leaders! Their giving spirits and love for God is so evident in everything they do.

9. I'm thankful for Danny and Donna Petty for making sure we are so well fed this week. I've never been on a mission trip where we have three full course meals each day! They truly are serving God this week!

10. I'm thankful for the odd experiences you never expect:

• Seeing bears


• Walking a drunk woman home around midnight because she's convinced she saw bears...don't you know, the bears are everywhere!


• Seeing the emergency crews of a small mountain town respond to an explosion down the street from our home base for the week...and boy did they respond!

11. I'm thankful for late night conversations in rocking chairs on the front porch. We've solved some of the world's biggest problems out there.

12. I'm thankful for the missionaries, George and Robin Lewis, who work tirelessly to help the people of Eastern Kentucky. They minister to needs and share God's love in word and in deed.

13. I'm thankful for Rick and Christy Hunter, the missionaries who devote their days to the upkeep and management of Solomon's Porch, a wonderful retreat center that provides our team (and countless others) with a safe, warm (and cool) place to sleep each night. They help us feel right at home!

14. I'm thankful for the opportunity to just listen to people...to hear their stores...to realize that we all struggle but that we are all dearly loved by God, the one thing to help us through those struggles.

15. I'm thankful for the opportunity to serve God by serving others. It really is a humbling experience and one I wouldn't trade for the world. I am so very blessed. I take so many things for granted. I serve an amazing God who consistently does amazing things. I serve a loving God who loves us in spite of our failures. I serve a faithful God who is a sure refuge, his coming is as sure as the dawn (Hosea 6). I serve a patient God who keeps on making a way. I serve a majestic God who creates beauty beyond my wildest imagination. I serve a holy God who chooses us to walk along beside Him. I am thankful most of all for the opportunity to serve this God, the one true God, this week in Lynch/Cumberland, Kentucky!

Kentucky Mission Trip - Day 3

Tonight, I was telling some of our youth about my early morning run. I told them no one was awake except for the dog who chased me. They were quite alarmed until I told them that the dog only chased me as far as his leash would let him! To the edge of the yard. They then asked if it was a scary dog, to which I responded, "Not really. It was just a beagle." One of the girls remarked, " Kim, you made it sound like it was a really big, viscous event, and then we find out it was a little dog on a leash.". My response..."It was more interesting that way, wasn't it?"

This made me think of how sometimes we really do exaggerate our enemies. However, our team had one enemy against us today that needs no exaggeration. While he was a mighty foe, he was NOT undefeatable. The day started out great. Our construction team finished two projects they had started the day before. The other members of the group headed to the Freedom Center, a local outreach ministry led by our missionaries! George and Robin Lewis. We split up once we arrived, with some leading a Bible Study for a group of women and others heading to their warehouse to sort donations. We all gathered back at the Freedom Center after meeting us with a team from Illinois and helped as the thrift store opened for business. It was packed. I was so proud of the youth and children in our group. They jumped right into help. Some assisted shoppers. Blaine Dempsey was an excellent greeter and cashier. Ashley Ramey and I had a fun time changing out the display window from a summer theme to a back to school theme. Although it took us awhile, we finally learned that the best way to dress a mannequin is to takeoff her arms first. Another group of our children and youth found a group of local kids just down the street setting up a lemonade stand. They quickly became the marketing team for this lemonade stand. They wanted to make sure these kids were successful. They even spent about $10 of their own money on $0.25/cup lemonade. They were buying cups and giving it away to shoppers in the thrift store, attentive to the needs of both audiences. Chrystal Sheppard cut hair. You should have seen how happy her "customers" were with the finished project. One gentleman named Rooster had a magnificent transformation with just a simple haircut. I promise to post before and after pictures tomorrow.

Around lunch, the enemy came out to fight. Due to the unexpected and things out of our control, lunch was ready later than we anticipated. This seemed to put us further behind than it really should have. We even considered not going to play with the kids at the apartment complex in Lynch as we had promised because of the time crunch, however that group forged on and was able to continue to minister to those children and their families. Many members of our group were riddled with headaches and struggled to keep going, but the rest of us started loading up supplies for our family fun night in the park. We were showing an outdoor movie, and we thought we had everything we needed. Just before we walked out the door ( around 4:45 or so), it hit me that I had not seen us load a projector on the truck. A projector is pretty vital to showing an outdoor movie. I was in charge of the technical stuff so knew we had everything else. As soon as I voiced my concern, a small wave of panic spread throughout the group. I made a call to the church to confirm whether or not a projector was sent with us. It was not. I had seen one small baptist church in the town. I suggested that someone call them to see if they had one we could borrow. It was then that a picture flashed across my mind, a snapshot of something I has seen earlier in the day while driving down a street I didn't know existed. I had seen and made note of the Cumberland Public Library. To be honest, I was a little astonished that the town even had a public library. I knew they would have a projector. Only one problem...it was almost 5 pm. We knew it was probable that the library closed at 5. Greg Sheppard quickly looked up the number and was greeted by Pat the librarian. Pat had her keys in her hand and was ready to walk out the door when she decided to answer our call. She was our angel. Not only did she allow us to borrow the projector, but she also waited the 15 minutes it took for us to get to the library and stayed on the phone with us, giving us directions on how to get to her. Enemy's arrow avoided!

We arrived at Russell Drive and began setting up. The housing authority manager had left the power on in a utility building, allowing us to access the outlets on the outside of the building. we quickly tripped a breaker. The enemy was sending another arrow our way. There was no one on duty in the office after 5. But one of the residents across the street and another vocational missionary helped us get in touch with Henry, the maintenance supervisor for the complex. Henry left the comfort of his own home and family and came to our rescue. He flipped the breaker, showed us where another outlet was, loaned us more extension cords and a much needed power strip, and even left the door to the utility building open in case we tripped a breaker again. As having access to power was vital to our showing of the movie, another arrow of the enemy was avoided. People ate, played corn hole, had their nails painted and their hair wrapped, wrestled, raced, and enjoyed a good movie.

The devil was out in full force today. He wanted to keep us from reaching out to people, from talking with people, from sharing with people. But he FAILED miserably! It was not of our own doing. In fact, everything we tried on our own was falling apart. God, however, held it together. He met our needs. We were able to serve Him by serving others. Our God is stronger!!!!!!

Pictures coming tomorrow!

Kentucky Mission Trip - Day 2

Today was filled with the unexpected. We've quickly learned that people in this area don't seem to awaken until after lunch. We gad some kids come to our game day today who proudly proclaimed they had just eaten breakfast (waffles) at 2 pm. The unexpected led us to change our game plan for the rest of the week. The unexpected also allowed us to invite even more people to our family fun movie in the park night. Please pray for us on Tuesday night that during this event we will have opportunities to share the Gospel with lots of people.

Another unexpected turn of events was an explosion at a house just down the street from where we are staying. Coincidentally, this house is right across the street from a house our construction team was working on today. Thankfully, our team was finished when the explosion occurred, but our hearts go out to the young people who were injured in the blast. There were more police, ambulances, and firetrucks on the scene throughout the evening than you would find visiting Krispy Kreme in one 24 hour shift. The police initially ruled it as a meth lab explosion, but they have since said it was a chemical grenade of some kind. The details were not very forthcoming, but our prayers are with those who were injured. Events like this one are unexpected in the small town of Lynch, KY. This town of 800 people or so is usually very quiet. This is the second major incident in the town in the past three days. On Sunday before we arrived, there was a drive by shooting in Lynch. I can only guess that the residents of this city are on edge, maybe even fearful. Maybe God has our team here for such a time as this.

Today as we were walking the streets of Lynch in search of part of our team (did I mention we couldn't find them...in a town with a population of less than 1000, one main road, a post office, a half-sized mini-mart, and no traffic lights...still we couldn't find them), I prayer walked the city as we searched. As I passed by the various homes, I prayed for the people who lived there. I'm pretty sure I prayed over the home where this explosion took place. It was an unexpected walk, an unexpected moment, an unexpected opportunity, but it opened the door to me thinking about the people inside the houses, their lives, their struggles, their needs. God is definitely using the unexpected.

Please join me in praying for the people here. These are some names and specific needs our team encountered today:

Cody - salvation and a ceasing of distractions
Michael - salvation
Katie - overcoming loneliness and pain after knee surgery
The Lewis' neighbor - blood clots around his heart
Jimmy - overcoming addiction; understanding that the righteousness of Christ is not just for eternity but is ours to put on and claim and live with all of the rights thereof in this life
Joyce - overcoming addiction and openness to the gospel

Kentucky Mission Trip - Day 1

We made it...and there were no flat tires. Thankfully the trip up was uneventful. Props go to Alton Gilbert for navigating the Penske truck over the 90 degree turns of Black Mountain. We arrived a little before 8 pm and settled into Solomon's Porch, our home and base camp for the next week.

We were able to spend some time with missionaries, George and Robin Lewis and Rick Hunter. They helped us focus our game plan for Monday. we've got a group going out to do some construction work, a group going to do children's ministry at local apartment complexes, and a group going to do laundromat ministry.

After devotion and prayer, several of us gathered on the porch for an impromptu time of singing and worship, led by our awesome youth. We were reminded in our devotion that we are all part of the body of Christ, chosen and set apart to do His will. Our prayer was that we all put on love this week and let the love of Christ be the light that the people of Lynch and Cumberland, KY see.

Tonight, on the way up the mountain we stopped at the very top, the highest point in Kentucky. A line from a praise and worship song kept running through my head up at that highest point

Let your name be lifted higher, be lifted higher, be lifted higher

That is my prayer for the week, that the name of Jesus be lifted higher...higher than that highest mountain peek, higher than we've ever known, higher so that the lost will be drawn to Him.

I Forgot I Was Chosen

I type tonight in a strange place. An old miner's hospital turned retreat center. A place where healing was once it's purpose. A place where people come to heal and be healed, even today. A place that is bigger than these stone walls. A place where people need to be loved. A place where people need hope. A place where people need a second chance. A place not all that different from the home I left this morning. Sure, the people are different, the accents are different, the landscape is different, but one thing remains the same: need still exists.

Over the past few days, I've been focusing on my need...doubting that God even knows or cares about my need. I've lived selfishly. I've made some pretty bad decisions. I've deliberately sinned. I've doubted God's promises. I've doubted God's love. I've even doubted God's goodness. I decided that my need was more important than God's will. I hurt someone else. I was wrong, and I moved forward trying to fulfill my need even when I knew I was wrong. How could I let this happen? It happened because I failed to see myself as God sees me, as one chosen and made righteous.

In Colossians 3:12 we are instructed to clothe ourselves with righteousness, but over the past few days I've not just failed to "dress appropriately." I traded my clothing of righteousness for rags. To continue with the clothing metaphor, I traded Saks 5th Avenue for Ross and TJ Maxx! I convinced myself that I deserved better than what God was offering but I failed to see that what God offers is far better than anything my human mind can conceive. I forgot that I was chosen. I forgot that I am set apart. So here I am in this strange place, a place with a legacy of healing, asking my God to show His healing power once again. I am not so different than those I have come here to serve. I need healing...many of them need healing. I need to be loved...many of them need to be shown love. I need to be reminded that I was chosen...they need to know they were chosen.  Chosen by the creator of this universe to be set apart, holy, special, and for a purpose. Our mistakes from yesterday don't have to define us. Every need we have can be fulfilled through Him.

So in this strange place I find a familiar peace in a magnificent God. I pray that I will be able to share that same peace with others in need.

Thankful Tuesday - My Sister

Okay, so I forgot to post this Thankful Tuesday list on Tuesday, but I did start making the list on Tuesday...it just didn't make it to the blog until Wednesday. Better late than never.

This Thankful Tuesday list is about my sister, Rebecca.
(This is picture of the two of us when we were very small).

1. I'm thankful to have a sister who encourages me to overcome my fear of flying and hop on a plane with her to Hawaii. Even though I've never given in, she never stops encouraging me to go! She never gives up on me.

2. This one is kind of related to #1. When we were little, Rebecca patiently taught me how to roller skate. Our driveway had these four concrete lines (picture a guide for car tires so that they make it into the correct place in the carport). That's not a really good description, but it's the best I can do. We would put our blue and red roller skates on and Rebecca would stand facing me, about 5-10 feet away. She would call for me to skate to her. She held my hands when I needed steadying. She moved farther back when I was on a really good run. She moved in closer when I was afraid. She's pretty much done this for me in lots of ways all of my life. She patiently teaches me and encourages me to take risks. She challenges me!

3. I am thankful for a sister who was a great example for me growing up.

4. I am thankful for a sister who buys really great gifts. She puts a lot of thought into gift giving, and she always has the best wrapped gifts at Christmas. She got the wrapping gene in the family. I, on the other hand, did not! If we lived closer, I would let her wrap all of my gifts!

5. I am thankful for a sister who taught me how to be independent. When I moved away to college, I knew how to immerse myself in the community. I knew the importance of finding a strong church family. I knew the importance of making my own way and not being completely dependent on others. I knew this because she was my example.

6. I am thankful for a sister who is dearly loved by those around her. When she got married this past December, I finally got to meet all of the friends she talks about all of the time. I saw how much all of these people dearly love her and care for her. She really is special. I'm glad other people see it, too.

7. I am thankful for a sister who loved me enough to figure out ways to give me lots of experience washing dishes. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until later in life, but Rebecca really is a giver. She wanted to give me the dish washing experience as much as possible. She had two ways (at least two ways that I've figured out thus far). #1 - On her night to help my mom clean up after dinner, she would often instigate an argument at the dinner table with my dad. This made me very uncomfortable, and I would usually try to get them to stop arguing. My mom, in her infinite wisdom, always realized that neither she nor I needed to be a part of the show, so she would always ask me to help her clear the table and wash dishes. And we did. In the midst of some of the biggest, knock down drag out fights you've ever heard. Interestingly enough, the fight was over right around the time the dishes were washed and everything was cleaned up. I'm convinced Rebecca did this just to avoid washing dishes. #2 - If we were ever told to wash the dishes together, she would always grab the spray hose at the sink and consistently spray me with it until I finally told her to just go away and let me wash the dishes by myself. It was much better than being soaking wet at the end of the chore. Now, looking back, I see that Rebecca was just being selfless and making sure that I had plenty of experience washing dishes!

8. I am thankful for my sister's sense of humor. Her stories about her travels around the world and just her life in general always keep us entertained.

9. I am thankful for the sisterly bond we share. I can tell my sister things that I can't or won't tell anyone else. She always has my best interest at heart and is a great secret keeper!

10. I am thankful for the man she brought into our family, my brother-in-law, Richard. I am so happy that the two of them found one another. They compliment each other so well, and she really is happy! That's a great thing to see.

My sister and I are different in so many ways, but I love her completely! I am thankful that God placed us in the same family so that I could learn from her, be challenged by her, and be loved by her.

Thankful Tuesday: My Parents

A local radio station has a segment on Tuesday afternoons called Tirade Tuesday. Basically, listeners call in and complain about the topic of their choice...from horrible bosses to horrible drivers and everything in between. It really is quite funny listening to people rant about some of the most random things.

I decided to create my own Tuesday segment in the blogosphere but with a different focus. Instead of Tirade Tuesday, here at Boo Boo's Blabberings, we're going to have Thankful Tuesdays. After reading Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, I am making a conscious effort in my life to live consistently with an attitude of eucharisteo. So each Tuesday I will pick a topic and list as many things (as time allows) that I am thankful for concerning that topic. The first Thankful Tuesday topic: my parents. Here we go!

1. Their unconditional love for me
2. Their love for and devotion to God
3. For teaching me that taking the easy way out just to avoid struggle is not always a good option
4. For standing strong in their convictions, even when the world thinks they are crazy and those convictions create a financial burden...and for being an example of this for me
5. For providing a loving and safe home environment, even now when I'm 30+ in years
6. For encouraging me to dare to dream my dreams
7. For encouraging me and supporting me in making my dreams come true
8. For making me take piano lessons as a child (if only I had listened and never stopped)
9. For sacrificing year after year so that my sister and I could attend summer camp at Camp Crestridge, a place where our love for God was watered and nurtured.
10. For still expecting me to call them when I get home from being out of town
11. For coming to visit from many miles away
12. For recognizing my needs (and often my wants) and meeting them, even when I'm less than appreciative
13. For teaching me the value of a dollar
14. For teaching me the value of family time
15. For teaching me the value of spiritual growth and devotion
16. For teaching me the value of recognizing and declaring God's beauty around me
17. For teaching me the value of hard work
18. For believing in me
19. For teaching me the value of education
20. For listening

And so many more things...this list could go on and on.

Now it's your turn. For this segment of Thankful Tuesday, why are you thankful for your parents?

God bless!

Please Restore Power

Tonight there was a mighty storm. Trees were knocked down. Power lines fell. Buildings were dark. I heard a friend pray tonight asking God to restore power to the dark places. She meant physically, but I couldn't help but think about the spiritual significance of that request.

That's my prayer. For God to restore power to the dark places. His power in the broken home. His power in the broken marriage. His power in the life of the one who struggles with unemployment. His power in the lives of those being abused. His power in the lives of those who are hurting because of illness or death. His power in the lives of those who feel helpless.

In my own struggles right now, I need His power to remember to practice eucharisteo through every moment of the day. I need His power to recognize limits I need to place in my disciplines and the strength to act on that recognition. I need His power to shut my mouth when things do not need to be said. I need His power to boldly share my faith. I need His power to truly see and appreciate all that He is.

May God truly restore power in this place!


"Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the POWER and the glory and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.
Wealth and honor come from you. You are the ruler of all things.
In Your hands are strength and POWER to exalt and give strength to all."
1 Chronicles 29:11-12

I Talk A Lot

My friend Jay told me last week that I talk a lot. I suppose it's true. I just wonder if I really have that much to say, or maybe anything that is worth saying?

I haven't talked a lot on here, lately, though, and I regret that. This blog kind of allows me to follow my spiritual journey and to see what God was teaching me and showing me at certain points of my life. I've taken a hiatus, and I don't think I recorded those things anywhere else. It's almost as if I've lost a year of my life. I know that's not true. Great things have happened in the past year. I bought a house! I won awards. I taught an amazing group of students at church. I taught an amazing group of students at school. I co-wrote and directed two children's choir musicals that did more than just entertained. I wrote a song for my sister's wedding. I did a lot.

I do a lot. I talk a lot. I think a lot. And lately, the hiatus has been more than just from blogging. It's been from doing worthwhile things. I've taken a hiatus from saying worthwhile things. I've taken a hiatus from thinking about the future. I spend a lot of time in my thoughts in some kind of suspended reality, a reality that will never happen, a reality that I don't have to be afraid of because the chances of it coming to fruition are slim to none.

I want to talk less and think more. I want to talk more about things that matter, things that make a difference rather than complain or argue. I want to do less but do more things that matter. I want to think on things that matter and let those thoughts turn into words and those words turn into action.

Working in higher education, I tend to evaluate things, my life included, on an academic calendar. So I as I approach summer, a time when I can rejuvinate myself and set goals for the upcoming year, I am choosing to use the following plan to assess my spiritual, personal, and professional growth.

Think, Talk, Do

THINK:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

TALK:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

DO:
But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. James 1:25

Avoiding the Christmas Dread

Last night, I had a moment where I allowed myself to dread the quickly coming, and lets face it, already here, Christmas season. I was tired, hungry, and just making it home on a dark, stormy night.

I started thinking about all of the things I have to accomplish in the next few weeks: preparations for Children's Choir musical I am direction, practice for said musical, presentation of said musical, preparation for my sister's wedding, preparation for being out of town and out of work because of my sister's wedding, memorizing choir music, singing in three other Christmas worship services, doing my job, hosting a party at my home, hosting a party at work, attending a wedding other than my sister's, buying wedding gifts and Christmas gifts, and somewhere in there, I have to find time to get a Christmas tree up and figuring out decorations for my first Christmas in my new home.

Whew! I was overwhelmed, and I honestly wanted in that moment, to crawl in the bed and hide until December is over. But thankfully, the ever present Holy Spirit did not let me dwell in that moment for very long. A thought crossed my mind: I wonder if Mary, in that last month before the birth of Jesus, ever had feelings of dread? I have never been pregnant or given birth to a child myself, but I've learned from friends that the last month of pregnancy is not exactly sunshine and roses. There is discomfort, loss of sleep, fear mixed with anticipation, and the need to accomplish everything before the baby is born. I bet Mary felt all of that. And on top of this, it was during that last month she had to make the trek to Bethlehem! While she anxiously anticipated what was about to happen, I would guess that anticipation was laced every now and then with a good dose of dread.

But I wonder if Mary then remembered the promise the angel gave. "For nothing is impossible with God." Nothing is impossible. The preparations will be made. The pain will be manageable. The busyness will halt. The people will stop talking behind her back eventually. The baby will be healthy. They will find a place to rest for the night. All of those things will fade away in light of the birth of the Christ child.

Last night, in that precious moment with the Holy Spirit, I remembered the promise the angel gave Mary. Nothing is impossible with God. And in that moment, the dread disappeared. I love Christmas. I love it all, but for some reason, this year seems to be a scheduling nightmare. There's so much to do in so little time. And being the perfectionist I am, it must all be done perfectly. I was reminded that all of that stuff is nothing in comparison to the wonder of my Savior's birth. Sure, I can get lost in all of the hectic mess of my crazy life, or I can choose to find joy, peace, and hope in the celebration of the birth of my Savior, what all of that busyness is about anyway.

May you too avoid the dread of the season and be reminded this Christmas of what really matters. Also, if you find yourself caught up in the busyness of life and you feel a bit overwhelmed, remember nothing is impossible with God!

So Forgetful

It was a busy morning to start a busy day. In preparation for a leadership retreat I was leading, I spent the morning running errands, marking things off my many lists, creating new lists so that I didn't forget anything. But for all of my lists, I did forget something.


I was in Michael's buying beads for a reflective craft project to incorporate into the retreat. This was one of those projects where I had an idea in my head to do one thing, but that idea ended up being financially impossible. So, I spent about 45 minutes in Michael's walking up and down the same 3 aisles, trying to figure out what I was going to do. And today was the day the decision had to be made. I had procrastinated long enough. This was it.


Through the help of the Holy Spirit, an idea was formed, a good, meaningful creative idea. I started gathering the supplies, mentally calculating how much this burst of creativity was going to cost my budget, using the calculator on my cell phone to determine how much of each product I would need. I had so many thought processes going through my head that I'm surprised any of it came out right. In the midst of this, I'm answering emails as they come to my phone, having a conversation with a friend from church who was also shopping, and handling several phone calls from students and coworkers (because heaven forbid I leave campus for a bit without someone needing to track me down).


As I prepared to head for the checkout counter, I remembered that I would need small resealable bags to put all of the pieces for this project in for each student who would participate. I dreaded having to make another stop. I had just left Wal-Mart, and even though it was just across the street, I didn't want to return. Dollar General was my next idea as I thought it would be quicker. As I zoomed toward the front of the store, the jewelry aisle that I had been up and down so many times that morning caught my eye. They had small resealable jewelry bags, 100 for $1.49. They were just the perfect size, and this purchase would eliminate my need for that dreaded extra stop. I put a packet of bags into my shopping basket and proceeded to the front of the store.


Somewhere between that moment, paying for my items, loading them in my car, and leaving the shopping center, I forgot that I had bought the bags. I got back onto the main highway and suddenly "remembered" that I needed to go by Dollar General to buy the bags. I quickly maneuvered across three lanes of traffic, turned into a local restaurant parking lot, and exited on the other side onto the road adjacent to the Dollar General. I parked my car, walked into the store, had to seek assistance from an associate as to where the bags were, and as soon as I touched the box, it all came flooding back. I realized that my forgetfulness caused me to make an extra stop. I already had bags. And surprisingly, they were cheaper at Michael's. I had a quick laugh at myself, put the box back on the shelf, and exited the store. I guess the best way to describe how I was feeling is the word amissed (a cross between amused and pissed...thank you Art Hartzog for that creation).


I had wasted precious time, but I couldn't help but see the humor in the situation. I was so consumed by my need to get things done, to move forward, by my busyness, that I forgot something so minuscule yet so important.


Later that night, I was sitting in our campus worship service, Overflow, and it was as if God hit me over the head with the true lesson from this little exercise in forgetfulness. How often do I "forget" God's truth? How often do I trade it for a truth of my own making for convenience sake?


How often do I forget God's mercies? I complain about my life, my job, and everything else in the world, all the while forgetting how blessed I am and how much He loves me. I forget that his love is unconditional, and that love extends to everyone, not just the ones I find worthy!


How often do I forget that I've laid my sin at God's feet? Instead of letting it be there and letting Him take care of it, I find a way to sneak back to that altar (although I'm not really sneaking at all considering I serve an omniscient and omnipresent God) to pick it up and carry it around like a medal for all to see. I do the same thing with my worries, my heartache, and my fears.


Just like I forgot that I had already purchased the resealable bags and went out of my way, wasting time and energy, to get what I already had, I forget what God has done for me through Jesus. I so often temporarily "forget" what God has done for me through the gift of salvation. I live my life as if that doesn't matter at all.


I don't want to forget these things, even if just for a crazy moment! I must be more diligent in spending time in God's word. I must be more diligent in spending time in prayer. I must love the things that He loves and despise the things He despises. I must keep my focus on Him and not be held captive to sin. I must fix my eyes on Jesus, the one who wrote the story of my life and my salvation. He has not and never will forget me!


Hallelujah that I serve a God that never forgets and forgives me when I do!

The Easter Bunny Doesn't Bring Baby Sisters

My friend Kimberly welcomed a new daughter, Maggie, into the world this morning. This precious gift of God joins a wonderful family with two boys, ages seven and two. Kimberly called me yesterday evening to tell me that she started having contractions. She knew the birth could come at any time, so she asked if I would be willing to come over and stay with the boys if they had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night. I was more than willing to help, even in this small way. Ian (the seven year old) was asleep when I arrived around 2:30 am, but Will (age 2) was wide awake. He and I watched the movies Cars and Up until about 5 am, when he finally decided it was time to go to sleep.

Around 8 am, Ian woke up and sleepily sauntered into their living room. He was excited about the possibility of his baby sister arriving, although he wasn't really sure it was going to be today. He seemed convinced that it would take longer. As he patiently waited on his grandfather to take him to the hospital, he and I had a conversation about Easter.

Figuring that he might be a little nervous with everything going on, I tried to keep it light.

Me: Ian, do you think the Easter Bunny is going to bring you a baby sister this year?
Ian: No, the Easter Bunny doesn't bring baby sisters. He just brings candy and maybe, I'm hoping, a car!

Our conversation about the Easter bunny continued, including a really funny story about his Uncle Steven being so bad that the Easter bunny wasn't coming to visit him. Instead, his wife was going to have to buy him an Easter basket.

It wasn't until later this morning that I realized the truth of Ian's statement. I received word that Maggie had arrived and was healthy and beautiful, and I began to thank God for her precious life, especially arriving right here at Easter, a perfect reminder of the new life we are promised in Christ through the gift of His sacrificial love.

It dawned on me that this seven year old little boy had made a profound theological statement, proclaiming a truth that often gets lost in our time and culture. For Christians, Easter is the most important day of the year. Our entire belief system hinges on the fact that Jesus gave His life for us through his brutal death on the cross but died to a grave that could not hold Him. He arose to bring us new life in Christ. Without the resurrection, the rest doesn't make sense. Without the resurrection, there is no salvation.

In John 14:6, Jesus says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but by me." While the world may put the Easter bunny (and his eggs, and candy, and toys, and stories) on center stage at this time of year, the real star of the show is Jesus! The Resurrected, Holy, Wonderful, Magnificent, Sacrificial Jesus!

Ian was right. The Easter bunny doesn't bring baby sisters because the Easter bunny can't bring us new life. Only Jesus can!

You are stronger, you are stronger,
Sin is broken you have saved me.
It is written, Christ is risen,
Jesus you are Lord of all.

He is risen indeed! Amen!

Showered Wisdom

God's word to me today: no longer be captive to what the world offers but be captivated by what God offers...love, grace, forgiveness, joy, and peace

And he was amazed...

"And he was amazed at their lack of faith," Mark 6:6

This is one of the verses in the gospels that speaks of the humanity of Jesus. He had returned to Nazareth, his hometown. He was teaching and healing there as he had been everywhere. But the people there questioned him. This was the carpenter's son. They had watched him grow up! How could he be doing and saying these things? So Jesus left, but before he did the gospel writer tells us that he was amazed at their lack of faith. As the divine Son of God did he know how they would react? Yes. But in his humanity, he was amazed.

I sometimes wonder if God, even in his omniscience, is amazed at my lack of faith? I imagine that he is in that "I knew you weren't gonna believe me but really?" kind of way. I wish it were different. I wish I didn't question or doubt as much. I wish I had faith to really live like I believe that God keeps His promises.

I want a renewed faith. The faith of a child. The faith that believes my daddy can do anything and everything simply because He's my daddy. The faith that trusts in my father's words and reassurances even though I'm fearful of the monsters that might be lurking in the closet. The faith that wants to just lay back and let my daddy wow me of stories of his own making, helping me believe in the things that seem impossible.

And God's word promises me that if I have faith, even faith as small as a mustard seed, that I can move mountains. Instead of God being amazed at my lack of faith, I want to be amazed by His response as a result of my faith!

Feeling at Home

I traveled to Blakely this week to attend the funeral for my aunt. As we were driving through the streets of town, I was taken back to a moment in time (or several moments in time) from my childhood. You see, my dad was one of the only members of the family that didn't live in town. Everyone else (except for my Uncle Clarence) stayed there, raised their families there, made their homes there. My dad didn't. So when we traveled to visit my grandmother and the rest of the family, I always felt like the outsider. Let me be quick to say that it's no fault of my family's. It was just how I always felt.

Many of my memories of Blakely involved anticipation. I remember the anticipation of turning on the final road to my grandparent's house. I remember seeing the donkey on the corner where we turned, hearing our family dog bark as he knew he was almost back "home," and looking across the field towards my grandparents' house hoping to get a glimpse of my grandmother on the back porch awaiting our arrival. This was joyous anticipation. I couldn't wait to get there. I loved my grandparent's house. It was where my dad was born. I knew it would be full of wonderful smells of my grandmother's cooking. It felt like my second home. While my mom insisted that I always mind my manners, I didn't have to be on my best behavior there. I could just relax and be myself.

As we were driving down a street in town today, I was immediately taken back to a moment in time that held a different kind of anticipation. Nervous anticipation. In the back seat of my parent's car I was taken back to when I was about 8 or 9 years old. We were traveling down the same street, headed to my aunt's house. I was nervous. I knew everyone else coming to her house would be completely comfortable there. They lived together, saw one another all of the time, all of my cousins when to school together and had lots to talk about, they had the same friends. They thought nothing of just walking in the door. I, on the other hand, stood and knocked. I felt like I had to be on my best behavior, like I couldn't really be myself. Like I had to be the person they thought I was instead of the person I am. I remember having this feeling more strongly when my parents were dropping me off at some family member's house. If they stayed with me, I was okay. If I was by myself, it was a whole other story. I was fearful. Even now I don't understand why I was fearful. After all, these people were my family. They loved me.

My sister wasn't plagued with the same fears. She never wanted to stay at my grandmother's house. She wanted to be with my cousins. She thrived being with the rest of the family. She never has been one to be content just to sit still and she wasn't then either. I remember on several occasions going to my cousins' house to spend the night. I never wanted to be too far from her. It drove her crazy. But it made me feel more comfortable. It made it bearable. Again, I have no clue why I felt this way. My cousins are great, wonderful, welcoming people. They treated me just like what I was...a member of the family. But they were unfamiliar. I felt like I was the only unfamiliar one trapped in the midst of their world. I wanted to feel like I belonged, but I never did. And to be honest, to this day, I still feel the same way. I try not to, but nothing has changed. I stick close to my mom and dad. I am fine as long as they are there with me. Sad, I know, for a grown woman, but those feelings just will not go away.

I love my family. They are dear, dear people. But as I thought about this strange phenomenon in my life today, I wondered if that's how unchurched individuals feel in the midst of the church. Do they feel alone? Do they feel like they don't belong? Do they come to the doors of the church with nervous anticipation instead of joyful anticipation? Do they recognize the kindness of the people there but still feel like an outsider? Do they desperately long for someone to cling to, someone to feel safe around?

And what about me? Do I respond to that longing in the right way or do I overlook them? Do I just go about my business with my friends at my church, forgetting all along that it's not really my church anyway. It's God's church. How does He want me to respond? I know what it's like to feel like the outsider...to feel like everyone else knows everything about everyone else there except for me, to feel like I have to put on an act, to feel like I can't just be myself, to exist in a state of nervousness and fear.

Of all places where people should feel comfortable and loved, the church should be it. But as a member of the church, I don't feel like I do a very good job. I live in my own little world with my own friends and concerns, rarely noticing the hurting face of the person sitting across the aisle from me. Rarely noticing the scared individual who slips in on the back row and leaves as soon as the service ends to avoid the embarrassment of standing there alone with no one to talk with.

I know that feeling. I don't want anyone to feel that way. I must do something different!

2010: Don't Waste a Moment

Happy 2010! It's hard to believe another year has come and gone. I spent some time reflecting on 2009 this morning, looking back on what God has shown me and taught me through the year. And He's shown me a lot, mostly about submission. I have a feeling I'm going to be learning more about that in 2010 :)!

One of my new toys for 2010 is a new laptop. I spent some time today organizing my files and documents on my old laptop before moving them over to the new one. In doing so, I allowed myself to do something I probably shouldn't have done. I found a file from 2009, and I opened it and read it. This file contained letters to a person I care for deeply. The writing was good. It was complete, raw emotion. It was unbridled honesty. It was written in love. It was deeply personal but at the same time pertinent for many situations. I was astounded by the truth and wisdom found within these letters. It was obviously Godly wisdom and not of myself! But there was a sadness at the end of this journey down memory lane. The sadness came partly from the situation of love lost, but more so from opportunity lost. When I wrote those letters, I didn't feel like I could share those words with the intended recipient. I didn't feel the time was right. I didn't feel those words would be received well. I was afraid. These words have never gone anywhere past my eyes and the computer screen.

I wonder if they would have made a difference. Not in the short-term. I've made peace with that. But in the long-term. I wonder, if I had put my fears aside, if the words I wrote would have made a difference in the long-term, and by that I mean eternally. Would a life be different today? Would my life be different today? I would share them now, but that would just be weird and completely inappropriate considering the current situation. But it was definitely an opportunity lost.

But I did learn something from my reading. I'm going to do my best to live my life in 2010 in such as way as to not let opportunities like that slip by. I'm not going to be afraid. I'm not going to miss opportunities to share truth and unbridled honesty with others. And I'm going to do my best to do it in a loving and Godly manner. I'm going to take some instruction from my former boss: Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't be mean saying it.

I'm going to make 2010 a year of taken opportunities and life lived abundantly.

World AIDS Day

Today is World AIDS Day. A day to remember those who've lost the battle with HIV/AIDS. A day to celebrate the lives of those living with HIV/AIDS. A day to recommit ourselves to supporting the fight against HIV/AIDS.

To commemorate the day, I stood proud with a group of community members in making a human, red Ribbon of Life. I stood side by side with a friend, an HIV health educator, and the mayor of our city. I stood side by side with people who support HIV prevention, education, and assistance in our community. I stood side by side with people who understand the seriousness of the AIDS epidemic. I also organized a program to educate my college students on how the treatment of HIV has changed over the years. We heard from a positive voice as well as a member of the medical community. Their message: HIV changes your life, and not for the better. You can live with HIV. You can live a long time with HIV thanks to advances in medical care. But it's not an easy life. It's a life filled with struggles, stigmas, discrimination, and questions. And if each of us would do our part, people living with HIV wouldn't have to experience these things!

A friend of mine who works as an HIV Prevention specialist said today that HIV/AIDS is not just a medical issue. It's a human rights issue. While we may look at the disease from a clean, western perspective, not everyone around the world has all of the resources we have. Everyone deserves access to prevention that works and treatment that works. Not everyone has that. I was overjoyed to see that the new president of South Africa announced today that all South African children with HIV will now be treated with ARV medicines. This is a tremendous change from the previous administrator who refused to believe the scientific facts about the disease, therefore putting the health of millions of people at risk.

But HIV/AIDS is not just a human rights issue. It's a spiritual issue. I dare say that most Christians, even active evangelicals, let this day pass without a thought of HIV/AIDS. I fear that many people choose the attitude that HIV/AIDS is a result of sin so why should the people of God support that? The simple reason: because Jesus loves HIV+ people. Jesus commanded us to love all people. He commanded us to care for the widows and orphans. 6000 children around the world lose one or both parents everyday because of HIV/AIDS. Women get the disease from their husbands who have multiple partners, a practice that is accepted in some areas of the world. They pass the disease to their children. In places like Zimbabwe, Ethiopia, India, South Africa, Haiti, treatment is not readily available or affordable. Luxuries like clean water and nutritional meals throughout the day to be able to handle the medicine are not available. We are called by our Savior to care for the dying, crying, the broken. We are called by our Savior to love our neighbors as ourselves. Though they may live halfway around the world, they are our neighbors. Many are our brothers and sisters in Christ. Did they get infected because of a sinful act? Maybe. But the last time I checked, there were no sinless people on this earth.

More than 2 million AIDS related deaths were reported globally in 2008. This disease is completely preventable! We must educate ourselves, our friends, our families, our coworkers. We must make wise decisions with our bodies. We must respond to this crisis as Christ would. Are you holding the stone or are you drawing in the sand? Are you willing to ask the tough questions? Are you willing to answer the tough questions? Are you willing to make the tough choices.

Life will go on after today. It doesn't have to go on with HIV, though!

Shouts of Rejoicing

The psalmist opens and closes Psalm 97 with the same command: Rejoice in the Lord. Some modern translations use the word shout. And why are we told to rejoice? Because the Lord reigns. The Lord is King. That truly is a reason to rejoice, just knowing that our God and creator is in control, that He has all the power, and that He knows best! But if I’m really honest, I don’t do a very good job in rejoicing in the Lord. I don’t give God a shout out, if you will, very much. I’m quick to rejoice about other things in my life. Some things that get a shout:

· A letter that comes in the mail announcing a raise
· A game winning touchdown
· Finding $20 in your coat pocket at the beginning of the winter season
· An email announcing that offices will close early today
· An announcement that my budget is being more than doubled (that one even got a dance!)
· A rare phone call from a friend in China
· An unexpected gift
· A great ending to a TV show or movie
· Finding out a good meal is about to be served
· Finding a great deal at the store

The sad thing is all of these things are temporal. And when it comes down to it, after the moment passes, they aren’t very important or relevant. Why am I so willing to rejoice over the things that don’t matter and fail to rejoice in the one thing that does? Why is it so easy to be publicly and privately vocal about the petty things in life but it’s a struggle to publicly and privately rejoice before the Lord. Here’s a list of things that should get a shout in my life:
· Seeing a student, friend, or stranger accept Christ as Savior and Lord
· Discovering a new lesson in God’s word that is completely applicable to my current situation and struggles
· When God reveals a lesson in my circumstance that is undeniably from Him
· Having the opportunity and privilege of serving Him through my local church
· Having extra, unexpected time to spend in His word and just being with my King (instead of wasting it on stupid things)
· Having the opportunity to serve and encourage others
· Being placed in a situation where I can mentor someone in their relationship with God
· Seeing God’s power and beauty in His creation
· When God reveals Himself to me in a new song

Today, right now in this moment, I give God the shout out He deserves, not because of what He can give me or what He can do for me, but simply because of who He is! He is my King. I’m still discovering what that means, but the one thing I know is that He deserves my shout of rejoicing.

Spiritual Development of the "Churched" Student

It's like I lost contact with a close friend for some time. It's like I lost an appendage and have been figuring out how to go on without it. It's also as if I went on a diet from something healthy, for example, I stopped eating any kind of fruit. And it's all because I haven't found myself here in a long time. I haven't blogged since August. Sure, I can list of all of the excuses running around in my brain, but I think the real reason is that I purposely took a break from exposing my self as a way to protect myself. I don't know what I was trying to protect myself from, but it ends here, today, right now! It's not that I haven't wanted to blog. I just haven't disciplined myself to do it, much like I don't discipline myself to work out on a regular basis, even though I know how critical it is to my overall health. But, like I said, I'm trying to get back on track. The sad thing is, though, I've missed out on tracking my spiritual journey the last few months. But, God has truly taught me so much. The good thing about taking this blogging break is that it resulted in me expressing myself through song writing, something I had not done in a long time! But I want both!!!!

In the early hours of this morning as sleep hasn't been an option, I've been contemplating a new spiritual development theory for college students, specifically for students who are "churched" youth who enter college for the first time. I have had countless conversations with my students that support this theory. I haven't finished developing it completely, so maybe I should call it a pattern and not a theory. I'm sure the scientific and psychological world would dismiss it has craziness, but I see it played out in the lives of my college students day after day.

I guess it really does coincide with some other developmental theories. Early college students are often in a stage of cognitive development where everything is black and white, the teacher has all of the answers, and they aren't really interested in learning. They just want to be told what they have to know for the test. It's not about learning something new or letting this new knowledge transform their lives. It's all about completing a checklist. And sadly, many Christians, but especially students at that age who are considered "churched," approach their spiritual lives that way as well. When I say "churched" I don't necessarily mean spiritually mature. I'm referring to those students who grew up in a Christian home, who attended church on a regular or semi-regular basis, who can give the Sunday School answers to spiritual questions but have little spiritual depth. It seems that their spiritual walk is all about the religion of it all. There's a spiritual checklist that they use to measure their spiritual health.

I pray before my meals...check
I go to church, well, sometimes...check
I don't cuss as much as other people...check
I pray to God in times of crisis...check
My friends know I'm a Christian, at least in name...check
I keep my Bible by my bedside, just in case I need it...check
I'm not having sex with my boyfriend/girlfriend...check
I might go to parties, but I don't drink...check

And for them, this is what the Christian life consists of, little more than a checklist of dos and don'ts. They are good people, or at least they are not that bad. And that's stage one.

Stage two begins when some catalyst thrusts them into a spiritual bubble. Some might say they are "on fire for Jesus." These students attend every Bible Study offered on campus, every night of the week. They decide to become closer to God by only listening to Christian music. They isolate themselves from anyone who doesn't want to participate in Christian things like they do. They absorb every spiritual word they receive but maintain that legalistic checklist, often leading to feelings of hopelessness and guilt because they start to see their own failures and begin to wonder if they'll ever measure up. They want to live their lives for God's purposes, but don't know quite how to mesh that with the world around them. They pick someone to be their beacon of truth and depend on that person's words rather than the Word of God. Sadly, if they never move out of Stage 2, they may fall away completely, taking a lot of other people down with them.

So what's the next stage? Relationship. It's coming to the realization or understanding that living the life God calls us to live is not about a spiritual checklist to see if you measure up. It's not about isolating oneself from the world around us and living in a spiritual bubble. It's not about storing up spiritual information and never doing anything with it other than maintaining a spiritual file. It's about a relationship with the Heavenly Father. It's understanding that we will never measure up outside of the grace of Jesus Christ. It's understanding that being good is not the answer, rather being in a relationship with God is. It's wanting to live your life in such a way as to honor God, to bring glory to His name. It's living out a counter reality within the world's reality. It's learning to live by the only standard that matters, God's. It's daily dying to self and selfish desires and making the desires of God your own. It's putting on the spiritual armor on a daily (or moment by moment) basis. It's realizing that the battle is not against flesh, but against evil. It's seeing that our relationship with God will transform our relationship with other people. If our relationship with God is healthy and growing, our perspective on evangelism is transformed into a relational approach. It's realizing how much God loves us and striving to love Him as He deserves. It's learning to be transparent before the One who knows all and understands us better than we understand ourselves. It's allowing God's grace to cover us.

My biggest struggle is figuring out how to help students move towards that relationship mentality. God has been setting this before me a great deal lately. And I'm just trying to figure it all out. But I know He is faithful, and on that promise I'm choosing to cling!