Free

Tonight, I spent the evening at the local jail. No, not as an inmate. I was there to post bond for someone and pick them up upon their release. What I thought was going to be a quick process lasted over 3 hours! While I hated just about every minute of those three hours, now that I'm home safe and snug in my bathrobe, I am thankful for those three hours, for it was in those three hours that my precious Lord and Savior so lovingly reminded me of his wonderful, marvelous grace.

I had many new experiences tonight. I felt like an outsider in a strange world, one that I thought was reserved for Jerry Springer or Maury Povich. I don't think I truly believed people live like that, but after tonight, I'm pretty sure they do. This new reality was just that, a reality. I heard stories of people who make it a part of their weekly schedule to go visit a friend or family member at the jail. They are like members of an extended family. They know one another. They know their stories. They care for one another. They talked about impending release dates like I talk about upcoming vacation. I was not a part of their world. I witnessed people coming in to leave money for inmates, so they could enjoy an extra honeybun this week...okay it's probably money for cigarettes, but the honeybun sounds better, so I choose to believe that! I sat next to a woman who was visiting her husband, while she had also been in jail in the previous year. I sat next to another woman who was visiting her boyfriend who got her arrested because he was doing drugs at her house. She spoke of her child and how she didn't know who was going to be raising the baby since both of she and her boyfriend had been arrested. I'm pretty sure two ladies of the night came in to visit their pimps, but maybe not.

I was okay until about 9 pm, but that's when things started getting crazy. The emotion of it all began to get to me, but luckily the person I was there to pick up was finally released before I made a complete fool of my overly emotional self! When I got home, I wanted to do one thing. I wanted to take a shower and wash all of the jail funk off of me. I just felt dirty. I felt like I had been forced inside of one of those snow globes and couldn't get out, but instead of a pretty snowy scene it was an ugly, drab and gray one. Very sad. And now that I was on the outside, I wanted to wash off every remembrance of that place. So, I got in the shower. And in the shower, God taught me the lesson. I knew it was coming. I could feel it. Sitting in the lobby at the jail, I couldn't help but look for the bigger picture, the lesson that God was trying to show me, but it wasn't until I was able to step out of the situation that I realized what it was.

You see, all of us, before we know Christ as our Savior, are like those prisoners. We are bound by our sin. Nothing we can do can get us out. Sure, people can give us money to help us survive the bondage, they can visit to make it feel better for a small amount of time, but at the end of the day, the chains are still there. (I sang My Chains Are Gone tonight in my heart as I waited. It had such a new meaning sitting at the jail.) But, when Christ comes into our hearts, when we believe in Him and truly accept Him as our Lord and Savior, the bondage is over. We are released. We are FREE!

I found myself looking down on those people living in that alternate reality tonight. I thought I was better than them. I still can't fathom that life, but God reminded me that before Him, I was nothing. I was just like those people. And the only thing that saves me is His grace. The only thing that changes that is His grace and grace alone! I stood in the shower and sang, through my tears, a song from many years ago by Steven Curtis Chapman. The words are:

I am free, I have been forgiven
God's love has taken off these chains and given me these wings
I'm free, yeah, and the freedom I've been given
Is something that not even death can take away from me

As I was singing, I thought of my need to take the shower in the first place. I wanted to wash away any evidence of the jail. I thought to myself, what a beautiful picture of baptism, the symbolic washing and cleansing of our sin. I began to question, though, do I have the same sense of urgency to wash myself of my sin on a daily basis. To get rid of the funk. To get rid of any evidence of the bondage. I don't. But I think that's what God wants us to want. To be so disgusted by our sin that our greatest desire is to let him wash us clean. To not be able to live with the sin in our lives. To truly feel free!

I was reminded tonight that freedom is a precious gift. Spiritual freedom is a priceless gift. It is a gift that we can never earn and something we can never be good enough to keep. It is a gift that we must accept from one who gave all even though we deserve nothing. I am so thankful for my God. There is no greater description of Him tonight than this:

I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness;
I will take you by the hand and keep you;
I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations,
to open the eyes that are blind, to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,
from the prison those who sit in darkness.
I am the Lord; that is my name; my glory I give to no other.
Isaiah 42:6-8a

In Awe

I am finding it hard to remember a time when I have been in such awe of my God! I'm sure there has been, but over the past weeks, God has revealed himself to me in ways that I just can't even fathom. Just a few moments ago, I was playing a song on the piano by Jill Phillips called The Day is Dawning, and one line of the song spoke to me like it never has before. The song is a prayer that begs "Lord set me in my place." I've always understood/interpreted that line to be a positive thing, like "Lord set me in the place that you want me. Help me find direction." But tonight, I understood the request in a different way. More of a "Lord, put me in my place." You see, we all need to be put in our place from time to time. It's good for all of us to remember that we are not in control and that the world does not revolve around our momentary or long-range wants or needs! And I don't think I've ever been brave enough to ask God to put me in my place, but He did it without my asking today!

This morning, in my time with God, I was reading from 1 Chronicles 28. This is the passage where King David gathers the people of Israel together to tell them that he had made the decision to build a temple for God, a place to house the ark of the covenant of the Lord. He made the plans. He went about preparing for this massive project. But then God told David that He was not the one to build the temple. God had that task reserved for David's son, Solomon. As I read this passage this morning, I couldn't help but feel that this was not a haphazard or random choice of scripture reading. I knew that this had relevance in my life and in what God is teaching me right now, but I didn't quite understand. I felt like that nine year old child again, trying to look through the opaque glass window of the preacher's office door at church. I could see that something was in there, but because of the distortion of the glass, I couldn't quite make it out! In the scripture this morning, I could see the truth, but I couldn't fully understand how to apply it.

One of the passages that stood out so prominently this morning were vs. 9 and 10. "And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the LORD has chosen you to build a temple as a sanctuary. Be strong and do the work." Wholehearted devotion and a WILLING mind!

It didn't take long for God to show me why this scripture was so important. I guess I should have expected it, but I didn't. With all of the ways that God has shown himself to me in the last few days and all of the wonderful things he's taught me, I should have known that Satan wasn't happy and that spiritual warfare was right around the corner. It happened first almost the minute I got to work. I let doubts creep in. I gave more power to a circumstance than I acknowledged to God. 1st cry! Not sobbing, just subtle tears.

Then, about 10:45, I got a phone call from the minister of music at church. Christopher was calling to tell me that the church staff had made the decision to do a Christmas children's choir production. Never mind that it had already been approved to do a "fall" themed production in late November in an effort to ease some of the stress and scheduling conflicts of the holiday season. Never mind that I had written and compiled the musical already. Never mind that we had already set a date and that I had planned my life and my holiday schedule around that date. Never mind that the people this affects were not a part of the decision making process. Never mind that it was scheduled for the next to the last weekend in November and that's really only 2 weeks before the Christmas one will take place so does it really make a difference if the parents hear their kids sing Christmas music or non-seasonal music. (I'm really not bitter about this anymore and I'm completely okay with it...I just have to share this part so that you can understand my thought process.) As Christopher was sharing this news and the reasoning for it, the 2nd cry began. I was surprised to have my eyes well up with tears and to feel my voice begin to waiver. Luckily, Christopher likes to talk so I had some time to "deal with" my surprising and pointless emotion before I actually had to speak. I gave our reasoning for wanting to do a musical in November instead of Christmas, but I think I was ultimately accepting. At least I hope I was.

And even though I didn't understand where the emotion was coming from, I did understand that it was not coming from anger that "my production" was not going to be performed this fall. In fact, I don't even think of it as mine. It was so clearly and completely given to me by God, it's really His! I was just the scribe! I even began to see how this could be a good thing, a blessing. We were going to be rushed to get the script finished and the music tracks recorded in such a short time anyway. This would give us more time. It would make my life easier. So why was I still fighting it? Where was this overwhelming emotion for which I seemed to have little or no control coming from? I hung up the phone without an answer to that question, but with the knowledge and acceptance that there would indeed be a Christmas children's musical. I commented to a coworker lightheartedly, "God is changing my plans, and I don't like it! I had everything scheduled perfectly, and God is telling me no."

Cue 3rd cry. This one was basically a series of several small crying moments. I couldn't seem to control myself and I couldn't even figure out why the tears were coming. Okay, so this sounds a lot like depression, but I promise you, it's not that. I didn't even recognize it at the time (because I was trying to pull myself together and clean my face so that I could go to lunch without looking like an emotional basketcase), but this was definitely the Holy Spirit molding and shaping my heart. In fact, I didn't even make the connection until later this evening. I had that "aha" moment when I realized, "Hey, this is pretty much what I read in scripture this morning." I made a plan. I started prepartions for that plan to take place. God intervened! God told me he had other plans. I think my tears were a product of my heart surrendering to God's plan with "wholehearted devotion and a willing mind," just like David instructed Solomon.

Like I said, God put me in my place. He reminded me that He is Sovereign! He is in control. It was painful. It hurt. But, I would much rather be in the place that God wants me or puts me than doing my own thing on my own terms. I think King David also wrote, "Better is one day in His courts than thousands elsewhere (Psalm 84:10)."

So, no matter how painful it may be, I want my prayer to be that God set's me in my place. Sometimes He does that gently. Sometimes He just places His hand in the small of my back and directs me. Sometimes He draws me a road map. Sometimes, like today, He has to pick me up and move me from the place I've created and put me in the place that He's designed for me. I am so thankful I serve a loving God who is willing to do that, no matter how many times it takes!

Give me a chance, I want to change my ways
'Cause I can't live here and look the same
Let me look up, let me look to your face
And set me in my place, O Lord, set me in my place. (--Jill Phillips)