I Thought I Had Climbed This Mountain

I swear I've been here before
Standing on the other side
I recognize these feelings
I recognize this pain
I recognize the hives
I recognize the sadness
I recognize the fear, the uncertainty, the desire to just be okay

But I thought I had climbed this mountain
I thought I'd made it through
I thought I'd found a way to let go, to press on, to look heavenward
I thought I'd found a way to forgive

I thought I had climbed this mountain
I thought I had struggled up the cliffs
I thought I had discovered the strongholds in the rock
Or maybe they discovered me

Maybe I never climbed this mountain
Maybe I've just been hanging on for dear life on the side of the cliff
Convincing myself that this place is just as good as the other side
Resting in a place that, for a bit, was comfortable

Or maybe I have climbed this mountain
Or just one that looks a lot like this one
Maybe this is what it takes to learn what forgiveness truly is
To learn what it means to let go of the past
To learn what it means to press on
Press on...not walk on or fly on or breeze on...

But press on
Facing challenges with courage and humility
Trusting that God's hand is guiding my every step
That God's hand will redirect my steps when I stray
That God's hand will set me in my place when I choose to rest on my laurels
That my strength won't fail
That my love won't fail
That my hope won't fail

And with God's help, I will climb this mountain
As many times as it takes

By Faith...Not Sight

I think the times when we don't understand what God is doing or where he is leading us bring us so much closer to Him than any other times. Even more than grief! God's really been teaching me what it truly means to walk by faith and not by sight lately. I thought I understood it, but I didn't really. And it's not like I'm going through some horrible experience. It's just every day life stuff. I tend to want to depend on my feelings, my senses, I want signs, I want clues but lately God has just been showing me that seeking those things aren't bad but it's not going to get us the best that he has for us. Because those are things that yes, God can use, but also, the devil can use those same things to lead us astray. God's word is the only thing we can fully rely on as truth. Pour yourself into the Bible. Memorize scripture. Meditate on certain passages for days! Keep going back to it. Keep seeking Him for Him and for His glory!

Troubling...

Today in class, we were talking about prayer. My professor was sharing from his own experience and explained that he has these moments where he realizes that 4-5 hours of his life went by and he didn't pray. He said this troubles him. He asked if we ever had a similar experience. I thought about it, and of course the answer is unfortunately yes. And does it trouble me? Yes, but I don't think it troubles me enough.

You see in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 we are commanded to pray without ceasing. In the English translation, the word order is changed. In the original text of the Greek, the verse says "Without ceasing, pray." The emphasis is on without ceasing. If we are really to live our lives like this and to follow this command and principle, then it should truly trouble us when we realize a block of time has passed in which we did not talk to God.

But it should be troubling, not to get us down, but to encourage us to change! To encourage us to seek nothing without talking to God. To encourage us to constantly be in communication with God so that we can see how he is moving us and chaning us to be conformed to His decreed will for our lives.

Without ceasing...pray!

I'm A Mess

I'm a mess right now. I'll admit it. I'm tired. It's been a really long week at work. I worked about 53.5 hours this week, late every single night. And it didn't end well. And I'm mad. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at someone else. I'm mad that I can't let myself just be okay! A few posts ago I mentioned that I felt this was a time of crushing in my life, where God is crushing me for some reason. I don't know why I expected it to only take a week or so. It hasn't even really been that long, but it feels like forever. And this crushing is supposed to bring God glory, and I don't feel like that's happening either. And I keep using the same tired, old excuse: I'm busy.

The crazy thing is, that excuse is one of the reasons I'm mad at someone right now. But the truth is, I've been feeding the same excuse to God. Thankfully, I have a wonderful friend who will just listen to me vent and question and cry and talk, and today he let me do that so long that I admitted this sad truth to myself. Oh, I've felt God tugging at my heart for the past few weeks about this. I even admitted it to a friend and asked that she pray for this area of my life, that I might surrender. But it was not really clear to me how much of a mess I've let this make in my life until today when I admitted out loud that I keep giving God the "I'm busy" excuse.

I'm so afraid to just stop and be still. So, what did I do today? I went shopping. I needed a few things from Target, but I must admit I wandered around the store several times aimlessly. Then, I went to Sams. Free dinner, right?!? I was doing nothing more than trying to "busy" myself so I could avoid my thoughts, my pain, my anger, my exhaustion, and so that I could avoid what God has been trying to crush me to do. It's kind of like I tell myself that if I just keep busy, the crushing won't hurt so bad, it won't be so hard. I'll dodge the blows! But I know it doesn't work like that.

I do want God to crush me if that's what it's going to take to clean up this mess called my life. I can't fix it, no matter how hard I try. I can't avoid things in the name of busyness just so I don't have to face my fears. Yet, I keep running. Why? Why? Why?

Instead of running I should find rest in the one who offers perfect refuge. I have to be still and know that He is God. I have to be still before Him. I have to enter his throne of grace with boldness.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Psalm 62:5-7

On the way home, I heard the song "Freedom" by Run Kid Run. It is so accurate as to how I feel right now. I've posted the lyrics below.


All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise the other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
And I'm ready for change

Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay - RIGHT WHERE I AM NOW!
I scream Father please
I need rescuing
I need you and you alone

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for (change)

Still you patiently wait
Yet i won't just let go
I see you and you alone
Saying come follow me
despair has come so you can seeRelease

And so I'm singing for freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom

The time has come
separation has lost the war to love
Take my hand grace has found you where you once began
Your alive
You're alive in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love

God Remove My Heart of Stone

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. Ezekiel 36:26

Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love; break up your fallow ground, for it is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you. Hosea 10:12

Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts…Psalm 95:7; Hebrews 3:7-8ff

Lately, the hardening of the heart has been a central theme in my life. I guess it’s because I have a close friend who has done just that. In the ESV study Bible, the note on Psalm 95:7 describes harden in this way. “The biblical writers use heart for the central core of the person’s thoughts, feelings, and choices. To harden the heart is to make it dull and unresponsive to God, and thus to strengthen it in disbelief.” As I’ve prayed for this friend, I’ve found myself clinging to the promise in Ezekiel 36:26. I believe wholeheartedly that God can remove the heart of stone, but I also think I’ve been a bit flawed in my thinking, perhaps because I am so personally involved in the situation. I keep envisioning this removal of the heart of stone as an immediate action, and while I fully believe that God can do that in an instant if He so chooses, I also must be prepared for this removal of the hardening to be a slower, more natural process.

When I think of something being hardened, I think of dirty dishes, you know, the empty lasagna pan that you left sitting on the stove overnight. The food hardens to the pan, and there are usually two different things that have to be done to get the pan clean. The first is soaking. Soaking the pan in water can soften the hardened food, making it wipe completely clean. When our hearts are hardened, we have to be willing to be soaked—soaked in Scripture, soaked in fellowship with people who will encourage us to walk in God’s ways, soaked in the glory of God. Once we’re soaked, the hardened parts sometimes wipe clean easily. It’s a process, though. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes a willingness to allow God to cover and drown those parts of us that aren’t pleasing to Him. Sometimes, though, even after a soaking, there must be some scrubbing.

Scrubbing or chipping away is the other way to get rid of the hardenedness. I will gladly admit that the Amway Scrub Bud is my friend! It never fails me when trying to remove stuck on food from my dishes. It does, however, take lots of effort on my part, and if I were the food, I can imagine it would be quite painful. Sometimes our hardened hearts must be scrubbed. The hardened pieces must be chipped away, one layer at a time. As Hosea prophesied to Israel, we must allow God to break up our fallow ground, to plow through our heart. It’s in those places where the heart is chipped, broken, and plowed, that God’s glory will soak in. God’s glory and God’s presence will fill those places until our heart is not longer hard like stone.

God’s promises can be trusted. God will remove hearts of stone. It might be instantaneous, but more than likely it will be a process, a process that requires scrubbing and soaking, a process that is painful, a process that will change us.

God break up my fallow ground! For any area of my own heart that is hardened, I want to be soaked! I want your glory and your presence to fill up those broken places. I want to experience and showers of righteousness. I want to reap steadfast love, a stronger love for you and a stronger love for those around me.