The Person I Want to Be

So, this is my first blog entry ever! I hope it makes sense, but I guess by definition, it doesn't really have to!! Today was a strange day that helped me clarify some things I've been mulling over lately. I have a friend who's going through a pretty big storm right now. I don't always know what to say, or how to act, or what to do. This morning, though, I opened up and shared with her the lyrics to a song I wrote. The song is basically about how we deal with the storms in our lives. It's so easy to want to curl up, lie still, and hope the storm happens to pass over without doing much damage. In those times, it's so easy to question God, doubt God, be angry at God, etc. But it's at those times that we need to stand up and stand strong, and trust God to use the rain to wash over us, wash out impurities, and to cleanse us and open our eyes. I don't share songs I write very often. Most of the time, they are just for me. But I felt like this one could help her right now during this very violent storm. I actually started writing the song about 7 years ago when my friend Kristen's mom was battling cancer for the second time. I've had the chorus (words and tune) in my mind since then. Lately, I just felt compelled to finish it. It just so happened that me finishing it coincided with this friend's storm. Coincidence? I think not! We have a great God who can orchestrate timing seven years in advance for something so small.

It was her reaction, though, that made the most difference. This friend has this idea that I am some great woman of God, insightful, strong, faithful, etc. I guess I am those things from time to time, but not as often or as consistent as I would like to be or should be. I wish I could be that person for myself all the time! But I'm not. I fail. I sin. I do bad things. I have bad thoughts. I lust. I gossip. A couple of years ago, during a Bible Study I was leading for my college girls, one of them asked me, "Do you ever sin?" I had had a bad experience that day at Best Buy (the Geek Squad guy was being a jerk! - wow, how weird, a Best Buy commerical came on TV as I was typing that). I was not very nice to the sales guy at the store and was definitely not a Christian witness. So, the joke became with my students that I only sinned one hour a week, Thursdays from 4-5! If they only knew the truth! I'm singing a duet in church on Sunday. The chorus of the song says

Are we shiny happy people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open to every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain, on our stained glass masquerade

There's a line in the verse that says, "Am I the only one who's traded in the altar for a stage?"

More often than not, I feel just that way. Like I am an actress, putting on a front for all these people in my life who have an idea of who I am. I just wonder what they would think if they really knew me or really saw me.

But the thing is, that's who I want to be. I want to be the person everyone thinks I am, but I don't know if I'll ever truly measure up to that. I want to be the person my friend thanked me for being this morning. With all of my heart, that's who I want to be. How do I blend that with the reality of who I really am. A flawed sinner. Thank heavens for God's grace!

On a similar note, I was sitting at dinner tonight in the cafeteria at the school. I happened to sit down with three male students that I know somewhat, but not very well. The table I would have chosen to sit at was full. So, I just sat down and started talking to these students. I noticed something familiar on the tshirt of the student who was sitting directly across from me. But, I just thought I was imagining things and decided to ignore it. A few moments later, he noticed the charm on my necklace (my Belle charm) and asked what it was. When he asked, he had this look of recognition on his face. I explained it was from a camp I went to growing up. He confirmed that it was Camp Crestridge and proceeded to tell me that he attended Camp Ridgecrest for 12 years and worked there for 2! That's why the logo on his shirt looked familiar. He started as a camper my last year as a camper, in 1993! Boy, did that make me feel old. But we still knew some of the same people. It was kind of surreal. The sad thing is, this student got into some trouble last year. It saddened me to think he had temporarily forgotten so many of those things he learned at camp. He succombed to peer pressure and other pressures that come with college life. We kind of established a friendship through that conversation tonight. Maybe God can use me to make a differene in this student's life over the next year. Maybe I can be a positive spiritual influence and remind him of some of those important camp values and lessons. Again, I am constantly amazed at how God can use me when I'm not even trying. Just think what a difference I could make for His kingdom if I was completely surrendered.