I'm A Mess

I'm a mess right now. I'll admit it. I'm tired. It's been a really long week at work. I worked about 53.5 hours this week, late every single night. And it didn't end well. And I'm mad. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at someone else. I'm mad that I can't let myself just be okay! A few posts ago I mentioned that I felt this was a time of crushing in my life, where God is crushing me for some reason. I don't know why I expected it to only take a week or so. It hasn't even really been that long, but it feels like forever. And this crushing is supposed to bring God glory, and I don't feel like that's happening either. And I keep using the same tired, old excuse: I'm busy.

The crazy thing is, that excuse is one of the reasons I'm mad at someone right now. But the truth is, I've been feeding the same excuse to God. Thankfully, I have a wonderful friend who will just listen to me vent and question and cry and talk, and today he let me do that so long that I admitted this sad truth to myself. Oh, I've felt God tugging at my heart for the past few weeks about this. I even admitted it to a friend and asked that she pray for this area of my life, that I might surrender. But it was not really clear to me how much of a mess I've let this make in my life until today when I admitted out loud that I keep giving God the "I'm busy" excuse.

I'm so afraid to just stop and be still. So, what did I do today? I went shopping. I needed a few things from Target, but I must admit I wandered around the store several times aimlessly. Then, I went to Sams. Free dinner, right?!? I was doing nothing more than trying to "busy" myself so I could avoid my thoughts, my pain, my anger, my exhaustion, and so that I could avoid what God has been trying to crush me to do. It's kind of like I tell myself that if I just keep busy, the crushing won't hurt so bad, it won't be so hard. I'll dodge the blows! But I know it doesn't work like that.

I do want God to crush me if that's what it's going to take to clean up this mess called my life. I can't fix it, no matter how hard I try. I can't avoid things in the name of busyness just so I don't have to face my fears. Yet, I keep running. Why? Why? Why?

Instead of running I should find rest in the one who offers perfect refuge. I have to be still and know that He is God. I have to be still before Him. I have to enter his throne of grace with boldness.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Psalm 62:5-7

On the way home, I heard the song "Freedom" by Run Kid Run. It is so accurate as to how I feel right now. I've posted the lyrics below.


All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise the other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
And I'm ready for change

Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay - RIGHT WHERE I AM NOW!
I scream Father please
I need rescuing
I need you and you alone

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for (change)

Still you patiently wait
Yet i won't just let go
I see you and you alone
Saying come follow me
despair has come so you can seeRelease

And so I'm singing for freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom

The time has come
separation has lost the war to love
Take my hand grace has found you where you once began
Your alive
You're alive in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love