Still?

I had lunch with a friend yesterday that I haven't seen in a long time. During the course of the conversation she asked "the" question..."So, are you dating anyone?" When I shook my head no her response was "Still?" I hate getting that response. It's almost worse than the question. It feels as if the person is saying, "What's wrong with you?" I know she wasn't but the worst thing is, she put into words how I truly feel.

"Still?" It's a question I've posed to God for many years.

This blog post will have no real answers or conclusions. It's just a series of questions all wrapped up in that one question. I feel some weird obligation to always have an answer or complete my thoughts in these posts, but not today. Because I don't have an answer, just questions. And that's okay!

So, Question #1: Has God ordained for me to be single all my life?
If He has, then I accept it wholeheartedly. After all, there could be worse options. I could have other burdens. I could have other, much harder struggles. I know that God knows best and has a plan for me, but if I am really honest, I don't want to be single. I want to be married. I want to come home to someone every night. I want to fit in with all of my married friends. I thought the need to "fit in" would end with high school, but it doesn't. It's painful to be invited to go out to eat with friends who are married with children. I usually decline, even if I want to go, even if I don't have anything else to do, because avoiding the situation somehow seems better than not fitting in. Ugh! I want to share my hopes and dreams with someone. I want to take care of someone. I want someone to go to movies with, to do projects around the house with, to worship with, to pray with, to serve God with. I want someone to hold me when I'm hurting. I want to take care of someone when he's sick. I want someone to take care of me when I'm sick. I want someone to hold my hand as I get that shot in my hip next week! I want to have sex. Yes, I said it. I believe God's plan for sex is only within marriage, so I am a 31 year old virgin. I don't want to be that for the rest of my life! But I don't want to compromise and leave the path God designed either. I want someone to go to weddings with. I want to have a wedding of my own. I want children. I want someone standing by me if I have to bury my parents. I want to love someone so much it hurts. Well, I've done that, but I want it to last forever!

I've shared with several people over the past few months that my decision to end my last relationship, the one I thought was going to be forever, was the easiest and hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. I had to come to a point that I wanted what God wants for my life more than I want what I want. And I still stand by that. So no matter how much I want all of those things I just listed, I want what God wants more. But I keep coming back to that question, "Still?"

Question #2: Does a man even exists that could ever meet my desires and expectations?
I've had men tell me that I am intimidating. I don't get it. I am independent. I'm confident in who I am. I'm successful. Aren't those good things? Isn't that what people strive to teach their children to be? How does that translate into intimidating? Sometimes I fear that my expectations are too high, but I don't really believe that...or maybe I don't want to believe that. I just want a man who loves God more than he loves me. I want a man who will encourage me to grow in my relationship with Christ. I want a man I can submit to. I want a man who will be the spiritual leader of the home, who will encourage me with the word of God, someone with whom I can share what God is teaching me, someone with whom I can serve and minister. I want a man who understands, encourages, and shares my passion for Christ. This makes me sound like some conceited spiritual giant. That's not me at all. I just don't want to compromise and settle for spiritual mediocrity. But does this man even exist?

Question #3: What do I do now?
If I keep coming back to, "Still?" am I doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? My parents think I should look for another job and move on. They keep asking me if I'm sure I'm being open to God's leading. I've questioned that myself, but there is no indication that I'm to move on...at least not yet. Does God have an area of ministry for me that I've yet to discover or explore? Is that something I can do more effectively as a single than as part of a couple? Is God just still preparing someone for me and me for someone? Am I living on the world's timetable instead of God's? Am I holding on to the past, refusing to let go, therefore, refusing to move forward?

Questions...Still?